Owning Your Story: Healing Beyond Their Control

Healing from abuse by a partner involves ending the silence about it by taking

back or owning your story—unhampered by an abusive partner’s control and beliefs. In short, this means you stop believing what your partner’s behavior convinced you to believe. 

Owning your story is a process of:

• Recognizing abusive behavior patterns and how they affect you

• Releasing responsibility for how you were treated

• Addressing injuries to your self-esteem

• Rebuilding trust in yourself  

• Seeing yourself as worthy of respect

• Learning that you can set boundaries

You may feel confused or frustrated about how to handle interactions with an abusive ex-partner. If they continue to cause upset and disruption for you, it is essential to protect yourself. This blog identifies ways to regain control of your life.

Accept Who They Are

Even after recognizing abusive behavior, often you still expect that they will respond fairly like you do. Healing requires changing your expectations, unless abusive partners demonstrate consistent change.  

If you find yourself repeatedly upset over abuse or behavior that distracts from issues, accept what they show you. That doesn’t mean liking it or letting them off the hook. Instead of becoming incensed, see it as continuing to demonstrate who they are.

I once had a client who came up with the phrase, “same show, different day” to keep herself from reacting. Instead, she set limits and kept her focus on what she needed to communicate.

Protect Your Time

An ex-partner may pick fights or try to interfere with what you do with harassing calls,

texts, or emails. Protecting from this requires limiting the ways you communicate.  

Shield your time by communicating only by email or a court-approved app. That guarantees commitments and plans are documented and can easily be used as evidence for what was said.

With upsetting email, phone calls, or texts, don’t think you need to respond immediately, except for emergencies. True emergencies. Abusers always consider their concerns to be top priority. Most things can wait to be considered carefully.

When you’re pressured, it’s hard to think clearly. Give yourself time, using a calming technique to soothe yourself if you’re upset. Then consider the best way to respond or set boundaries. Run it by another trusted person if you’re having a tough time with it.

Refuse to Engage with Abuse

It’s common for partners who become abusive when you want to discuss an issue. Indicate you’ll continue the conversation when they are ready to talk calmly and with respect. Tell them you’ll contact them later on the issue; if possible, give them a specific time. Then end the communication and don’t respond to any immediate texts, emails, or calls.

It’s sometimes tempting to call them names or give them a dose of their behavior. This is a trap:

1. This type of response escalates abuse and gives them what they want—you under their thumb. They will keep dishing it out.

2. It may affect your credibility with professionals in the legal or family court system.

3. You often feel bad about yourself later for engaging this way.  

You left this relationship because you wanted to live a peaceful, loving, kind, and respectful life. You don’t want how they behave to change who you are. Learning new ways of communicating with your ex promotes both protection and maintaining who you want to be.  

Adopt Abuse-Deflecting Behavior

Consider that Apple and PC computers have two entirely different operating systems. For an Apple document to be read by a PC, it must be translated by that operating system.

Your abusive partner has an operating system of beliefs in entitlement and domination. Respect and treating someone like you want to be treated is a different operating system. Therefore, in your communication with an abusive partner, you need to protect yourself from further domination and abuse.  

Set boundaries with

conversations by keeping communication brief and non-relational. This isn’t how you communicate with friends, but an abusive partner has proven not to behave like a friend.

There are books and websites devoted to boundary-setting and communication with anyone who uses disrespectful or abusive behavior. Kaytlyn Gillis’ NEB communication strategy[i] provides useful guidelines:  

• Necessary—Keep communication to necessary topics regarding the children or

  other appropriate issues. This means you refuse to answer queries about things that are not necessary or none of their business. For example, when you say no to their request to change visitation, answering questions about what you're doing will likely lead to pressuring you.  

  
  

• Emotionless—Be neutral in your voice tone. Take time to work through emotions like frustration or anger before talking or writing. The goal is to be neutral, neither friendly nor hostile.

  
  

• Brief—Keep it short. No explanations, just the facts. Coercive individuals misuse explanations to pick it apart.

This may feel awkward at first. When they have a history of twisting and abusing what you say, you have the right to set limits.

Summary and Resources for Healing

Owning your story isn’t easy. It takes practice and dedication. However, you will gradually be rewarded with feeling in control of your life when you recognize their tactics and refuse to go along with them. That doesn’t mean they’ll stop. Maybe they will; maybe they won’t. Everybody’s experience is different. But what they do doesn’t dictate your healing.    

Be patient with yourself and recognize you’re human. Pat yourself on the back with each success and look for assistance if you’re feeling frustrated. That could be a therapist who understands how to help survivors with healing. Could also be a trusted friend who can look over your communication and offer objective advice.

These books and website offer helpful guidance that furthers your healing.

• It’s Not High Conflict, It’s Post-separation Abuse by Kaytlyn Gillis.

• Helpful books by Bill Eddy:

  
  

  • BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People

  • 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life

  • Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

  • Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

    
    

• https://www.highconflictinstitute.com is useful website for professionals.

[i] It’s Not High Conflict, It’s Post-separation Abuse: When Abusers Weaponize the Courts as a Form of Retaliation by Kaytlyn Gillis (Gotha, FA: Lisa Nicole Publishing, 2023)