Many survivors of partner abuse wonder how to respond to intimidation after they’ve left. Regardless of whether the ex-partner’s motivation is revenge or wanting to have their way, interacting with them saps your energy and frequently causes you to feel hopeless and helpless. This article addresses how to respond to intimidation. But first, we’ll look at the need to resist reacting quickly to what they do. Reaction Pitfalls You may react out of anger or frustration that your

Safety issues and concerns about the best interests of children were barriers to healing mentioned in Healing and Creating a New Life. This blog addresses two important ones that affect safety and family welfare. It ends with a list of resources to help overcome barriers to healing. They help you know the best ways to navigate any difficulties you encounter. Barriers to Healing: Attorneys without Expertise in Coercive Control Attorneys often do not understand coercive con

Healing and creating a new life after abuse are multi-faceted processes. Often, they feel overwhelming. You usually begin the work of creating before you’re healed, so that makes it harder. Here are steps to navigate your path. Take Space First, allow yourself space to reflect on your partner’s behavior and how it aligns with your relationship expectations. Without this, you never begin. During this time, you question their behavior and see if they’ll change. Love and hope

Survivors of intimate partner abuse sometimes say they feel overwhelmed by politics. For that matter, many of us do. Overwhelm is a rational response to destructive forms of conflict. A client example: “I can’t listen to my legislator because they talk like my abusive ex.” I view survivors as “canaries in the coal mine” of our culture because their abusive experiences help them see coercive language and behavior in other places, including political communication. Everyone

The time it takes to leave an abusive relationship is the time you need, so let go of any shame or embarrassment about it. Leaving is not the simple, black and white process many think it is. In order to overcome barriers such as gas-lighting, danger, lack of resources, isolation, and self-esteem injuries, you have to see your partner’s behavior clearly and then plan carefully. The time it takes to understand, grieve, and make decisions depends upon your situation. Living

Repeated abuse changes how you think about yourself and your abilities. Recovery work includes releasing destructive beliefs and the instilled fear produced by abuse.

Do not allow anxiety to interfere with gaining the support you need. The following gives guidance in how to tell someone about abuse. It also bolsters you in not taking personally anyone’s lack of support or disbelief if that occurs.

Gaslight security begins with recognizing it. Merriam-Webster’s definition of gaslighting: “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories.” It causes confusion, loss of self-esteem, and uncertainty of one’s mental stability." Gaslighting may seem easy to identify but it is not, particularly within an intimate relationship. Since you are hu

To regain your power in an abusive relationship, you must name what is happening and accept it. Accept what is. Despite how painful that is. Accepting does not mean you approve, agree, or are okay with it. It is also not forgetting or pretending the abuse didn’t occur.

Believing you deserve abuse is an injury from coercive control. Abuse damages your belief in your worthiness, leaving you vulnerable to those who want to dominate.

When you say you allowed abuse, you are blaming yourself for something over which you had no control. You probably learned to accept this from your partner's blame and hearing similar media assumptions. Often society makes victims responsible for their abuse, rather than the one who abuses.

Seeing forgiveness as emotional self-care may sound strange. Especially if you experienced an abuser telling you to forgive when they haven’t changed. Forgiveness can be premature if done too early. Refocusing on you and your emotions is an important step in healing. Allow yourself to feel anger and find ways to recover from the pain you experience. This frees you to determine anything you want to change about yourself or your relationships. Therefore, forgiveness should not

Leaving or staying—there is no decision that fits everyone. Each person should consider their circumstances. Trust what you see regarding your partner’s behavior and follow your intuition. The following information helps clarify your situation.

Time Out and Broken Record are the last two conflict management skills. As with any assertive skill, assess your safety if someone has a history of being abusive.

This fourth blog in my assertive communication series shows why these skills are important and how to be constructive in their use.

Assertive Beliefs is the seventh blog in my empowerment series for victims of partner abuse. You must believe you have the right to be assertive before using skills: this article builds that foundation. It covers definitions, benefits, beliefs that may interfere, an assertiveness skills list, and steps to work on the belief that you have the right to stand up for yourself.

Repairing physical and emotional boundaries is the fifth in my empowerment series that began with How to Empower Yourself. This step begins with believing you have the right to set limits.

Noticing and adjusting your thoughts is an important mental health skill for everyone. Change negative thinking and you'll change your life.

Centering self-care de-stresses and connects you to your emotions and thoughts. This creates a resilient buffer from all stress, including abuse. By regaining your former self-care methods and perhaps adding new ones, you can reconnect with yourself and regain your power.

Looking at the assumptions that underlie coercive control helps explain why your partner behaves abusively. Sometimes they admit these beliefs, but mostly it’s their behavior that shows you what they believe.