How to Handle Abuse Revealed During Couples' Therapy

Couples therapy is not appropriate when one partner abuses the other. This general

rule applies until the abuser holds themselves accountable, has completed an abuser treatment program, and the therapist and the victim consider it safe.  

Why? Couples therapy is not effective because of the imbalance of power between the two individuals. That imbalance results in one or more of these issues:

• A victim who discloses is punished outside of the therapy room.

• Abuse disempowers and traumatizes the victim, which interferes with their ability to express themselves in sessions.  

• Abusers often dominate the therapy dialogue and identify their partner as the problem.

The first two issues prevent you from gaining a clear picture of the relationship, therefore hampering your ability to be effective. Allowing an abuser to monopolize sessions serves to silence the victim and enable continued domination.

However, clients don’t always tell you ahead of time that there is abuse. This article addresses when one or both partners tell you during intake.

Disclosure

Victim Discloses and Partner Denies

Victims who feel safe enough to name partner abuse are often angry. This is a healthy sign, since both anger and hurt are appropriate responses to being harmed. Recognize the victim’s bravery and be concerned for their safety.

Two things are important to accomplish when you hear there is abuse in the relationship:

• Clearly state that abuse is not okay and that the one doing it is responsible.

• Indicate that couples therapy can occur only when abuse stops, and that you will refer for abuse treatment. Indicate that abuse and maintaining power and control is not a couples’ issue, and that only the person using it can change how they behave.    

The number one mistake I’ve seen made is assuming you know what is meant by labels and accusations. Your first response should be asking for specifics if they haven’t provided enough detail. Indicate you need this in order to best serve them. This is especially important in cases where a partner accused of abuse retaliates with "you're just as abusive."

Notice instances of justification as well as denial. Follow up by asking questions that clarify what is happening. Examples are what they wanted to accomplish with their behavior (shows motivation) and whether they regret harm-doing (demonstrates empathy capacity). Be prepared to name harmful behavior objectively and invite them to look at how it affects the relationship.   

Victimized people sometimes express anger in aggressive ways because they want the abuse to stop and mistakenly believe the abuser will stop if treated in the same way. If their aggression only occurs when the other is abusive, they are not the primary problem. While this is an issue for the victim to address later, it should not become the major focus immediately.

Harm-doers feel entitled to use abusive behavior to punish and shape what their partner does. They consistently violate their civil rights and don’t show empathy consistently.

You may sometimes be confused by harm-doers expressing fear. Always ask what they fear. Abuser treatment professionals say it’s often that their partner will leave them or take the children away. Those possibilities are a result of their abusive behavior, and quite different from victims fearing for their emotional or physical safety.

Victim Discloses and Partner Agrees

When a partner confesses and wants to change their behavior, that is a good sign. However, it becomes an avoidance strategy if they fail to take action toward change.

Promises they will never do it again are often a way abusers dodge interventions. Everyone has the tendency to relapse into old behavior and avoid the work of change. Those who abuse often say they will change but do nothing to follow through.    

Compassionately indicate that many people learn abusive ways of communicating and relating to their partners, and that new ways can be learned. Acknowledge that change takes effort and that it is worth the reward of having a loving, fulfilling relationship. Indicate that couples therapy can be reconsidered after successful treatment.  

Referral

To address power and control issues, the harm-doer should be referred to an abuse

treatment program. Anger management is not sufficient because it’s not the root problem. The root is believing they are entitled to dominate and abuse their power in the relationship. Abuser treatment works to change the power dynamics as well as give healthy communication tools.  

Referral for the person who received abuse depends upon the issues and the therapist’s comfort. If you agree to see them, be clear about boundaries and that you cannot later do couples therapy unless both are comfortable with it.

However, when there is successful abuse treatment, often the best couples work can be done with that treatment provider. The trust the abusive partner develops with the provider enables that person to more easily call out power issues if they occur. 

Safety

When the partner agrees to treatment, make a joint safety plan for how to handle disagreements prior to therapy beginning. This should include an agreement to take a Time Out if conflicts begin to escalate. Download Time Out as a guide to the couple and have them practice it in session. 

If the victim does not feel safe to continue living with the partner, mention the option of a temporary separation and work out guidelines for it.

If the abusive partner refuses referral, offer individual therapy options to the victim. Recommend making a safety plan. That can be with you if you continue to see them or with a local domestic abuse program or online organization[i].

Follow-up

If you’re continuing with individual therapy with the victim, you’ll learn whether their partner followed through.

In cases in which you refer both, I recommend contacting the one harmed after a period of perhaps two weeks. I advise this because of the high incidence of harm-doers reneging on their commitment later. They may also prevent their partner from receiving support. Following up with victims gives them the opportunity to problem solve how to best take care of themselves.

Summary

This article touched on issues to consider when doing couples therapy and abuse is disclosed. It’s impossible to address all the situations in this brief space, so if you have questions, please contact me for a half hour free consultation.

My next blog addresses detecting abuse after you’ve begun couples’ relationship. If you haven’t already, subscribing will ensure you receive this.

i. Website that offer safety planning tools.

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