The holidays are painful when you’ve experienced a loss, including ending an abusive relationship. You may wonder how to start over, to create a life free of abuse. Though January is a time when many want a fresh beginning, it isn’t just a matter of setting goals or resolutions when you’ve left an abusive relationship. If you’re living with abuse now, you may find How to Cope When You Feel Sad During the Holidays helpful. Here are five guides for how to start over when you’

Healing and creating a new life after abuse are multi-faceted processes. Often, they feel overwhelming. You usually begin the work of creating before you’re healed, so that makes it harder. Here are steps to navigate your path. Take Space First, allow yourself space to reflect on your partner’s behavior and how it aligns with your relationship expectations. Without this, you never begin. During this time, you question their behavior and see if they’ll change. Love and hope

The time it takes to leave an abusive relationship is the time you need, so let go of any shame or embarrassment about it. Leaving is not the simple, black and white process many think it is. In order to overcome barriers such as gas-lighting, danger, lack of resources, isolation, and self-esteem injuries, you have to see your partner’s behavior clearly and then plan carefully. The time it takes to understand, grieve, and make decisions depends upon your situation. Living

Repeated abuse changes how you think about yourself and your abilities. Recovery work includes releasing destructive beliefs and the instilled fear produced by abuse.

Gaslight security begins with recognizing it. Merriam-Webster’s definition of gaslighting: “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories.” It causes confusion, loss of self-esteem, and uncertainty of one’s mental stability." Gaslighting may seem easy to identify but it is not, particularly within an intimate relationship. Since you are hu

To regain your power in an abusive relationship, you must name what is happening and accept it. Accept what is. Despite how painful that is. Accepting does not mean you approve, agree, or are okay with it. It is also not forgetting or pretending the abuse didn’t occur.

When you say you allowed abuse, you are blaming yourself for something over which you had no control. You probably learned to accept this from your partner's blame and hearing similar media assumptions. Often society makes victims responsible for their abuse, rather than the one who abuses.

Seeing forgiveness as emotional self-care may sound strange. Especially if you experienced an abuser telling you to forgive when they haven’t changed. Forgiveness can be premature if done too early. Refocusing on you and your emotions is an important step in healing. Allow yourself to feel anger and find ways to recover from the pain you experience. This frees you to determine anything you want to change about yourself or your relationships. Therefore, forgiveness should not

Time Out and Broken Record are the last two conflict management skills. As with any assertive skill, assess your safety if someone has a history of being abusive.

This assertive communication skills series begins with two self-defining skills: assertive request and assertive refusal.

Assertive Beliefs is the seventh blog in my empowerment series for victims of partner abuse. You must believe you have the right to be assertive before using skills: this article builds that foundation. It covers definitions, benefits, beliefs that may interfere, an assertiveness skills list, and steps to work on the belief that you have the right to stand up for yourself.

Noticing and adjusting your thoughts is an important mental health skill for everyone. Change negative thinking and you'll change your life.

Centering self-care de-stresses and connects you to your emotions and thoughts. This creates a resilient buffer from all stress, including abuse. By regaining your former self-care methods and perhaps adding new ones, you can reconnect with yourself and regain your power.

Calling out abuse means naming what happened” as abuse, coercive control, gaslighting, intimate partner violence, domestic abuse—whatever term feels right to you. It includes acknowledging that the person you love is willing to harm you. This will hurt! However, it’s the beginning step toward freedom.

This blog is the beginning of a seven-part series regarding therapeutic basics that I found addressed survivors’ concerns and encouraged post-traumatic growth. Each of my next six blogs will go into more depth. I think you will find they help you to empower yourself.

Recovery together or apart requires accountability, ability to look at one's self, a willingness to let go and forgive if staying together, or a willingness to rebuild trust in yourself and others if the relationship doesn't continue.

Writing is a way to know ourselves. It eases us through unsettling times. A bonus: robust self-awareness provides guardrails against accepting coercive control.

There is a simple tool that helps many trauma survivors; simple but not always easy. So, ahead of time, give yourself wells of permission and patience.

Grief is always a normal and important part of healing for intimate partner abuse survivors.

Relationships without trust are like trying to drive a car without wheels. It won’t take you to where you want to go.