Relationships | Find Your Voice

As you can see, my sister and I were properly attired to resist sandstorms for our camel ride. Twenty-four hours of travel back to Merica (how Moraccans say it) did not tamp my enthusiasm for what I experienced. Morocco is a land of contrasts: Desert and camels, but also green mountains, busy ports, and car manufacturing for export. Riads (homes with courtyards) and alley-like souks (markets) but also busy cosmopolitan cities. A monarchy and a history of patriarchy, but the

Do not allow anxiety to interfere with gaining the support you need. The following gives guidance in how to tell someone about abuse. It also bolsters you in not taking personally anyone’s lack of support or disbelief if that occurs.

Time Out and Broken Record are the last two conflict management skills. As with any assertive skill, assess your safety if someone has a history of being abusive.

Recovery together or apart requires accountability, ability to look at one's self, a willingness to let go and forgive if staying together, or a willingness to rebuild trust in yourself and others if the relationship doesn't continue.

Betrayal Trauma is a phenomenon that occurs when there is a violation of trust by someone whom we depend on for survival or to whom we are significantly attached.

Here are some questions whose answers offer clues about whether you are dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive. Proceed with caution and talk about it if you don’t like what you see.

Divorce is never easy, and that is especially true for intimate partner abuse survivors. My last blog, Considering Divorce, was a walk-through of the process. During my interview with Holly Slota, attorney at Pines Bach LLP in Madison WI, I asked what issues make it more difficult for survivors. This blog combines her responses with guidance on how to handle each issue.

Survivors, as well as those who work with them, will find my interview with Attorney Holly Slota from Pines Bach LLP in Madison, Wisconsin, informative. Those who contemplate leaving often feel fear about the unknown legal system, making an already complicated decision more difficult. Abusers often tell their partners information that is inaccurate because they want to manipulate or frighten them.

I structured my book, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek, around issues and questions I frequently hear from survivors and often from those who work with them.

Consent is much discussed today, a very good thing. Learning that everyone has the right to determine sexual contact is healthier for everyone. However, intimate partner violence (IPV), sexual abuse, and sexual assault are too often misconstrued as consensual when they aren’t. Those who have been victimized often have their actions misinterpreted to their detriment. The presence of coercion is an important factor in evaluating if there is true consent. “Coercive control is

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is not just an adult thing. It's common among teens. The Center for Disease Control indicates that 7 percent of high schoolers experienced sexual violence by a dating partner, and 8 percent indicated physical violence. However, the numbers are much higher when we include emotional and verbal abuse. “More than 60 percent of adolescents who date (both boys and girls) said they had experienced physical, sexual or psychological abuse from a partner

June is LGBTQ Pride Month. The growing acceptance of all sexual preferences and acknowledgement that gender is not binary is something to celebrate. My vision is that our culture will become one where no one fears to be themselves. Being closeted and hidden makes us more vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. When intimate partner violence (IPV) first became widely recognized, the focus was on female victims with male partners. While the majority of violent heterosexual relat

I'm back! It's been a long time since I've blogged because I took time off to complete a book on controlling relationships. My tentative title (since editors often change them) is "Controlling Relationships: the Elephant in Our Society." I'll let you know when it's published. I chose this title because control is often invisible to those who don't experience it. It's like the elephant in the room that no one sees. This leaves its victims trapped in an emotional mire of: cra

"A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." Alexander Pope What a wonderful way to acknowledge a mistake without getting stuck in shame. Shame is fueled by beliefs that we should be perfect and that mistakes are a sign of weakness.These perceptions neglect to understand that the power of humans comes from having brains which learn from trial and error. An article I've o

Is she a bitch or a leader? Is he a wuss or a sensitive man? Both these questions help us become more aware of underlying biases and stereotypes. Healthy functioning allows for flexibility in men’s and women’s roles and behaviors. Both genders should be able to choose what best suits them. Our socialization about what is appropriate for each gender can consciously or unconsciously affect confidence and mobility in careers. When women and men are put down for what would be c

Controlling behavior is the systematic domination and oppression by one person in a way that makes it clear that another person(s) is not safe physically and/or emotionally. Control tactics are the tools by which controllers dominate and oppress. Characteristics of control tactics: They are used to get the person's way by any means it takes. Their intention is to change others’ behavior, feelings, or opinions. The behavior is disrespectful to the needs, opinions, and feeli

There are two kinds of fear. One is the realistic fear that we experience when we're in danger. This is rational and self-preservative and a very good thing. The second is fear that is not based on any present danger so some call it irrational fear. However, it often makes sense given our histories. It may come from our experiences in the past which we're projecting onto the future. It may come from messages we've gotten that we're incompetent or weak. It may come from an u

How fear plays into our internal predators is complicated. Looking at the seductive aspect of fear is not meant to deny the reality of violence and threat that pervades too many relationships. It is important to pay attention to fear; it helps us keep ourselves safe. Please pay attention and protect yourself whenever you are threatened. It may not be immediately clear why I include fear among the seductive paths, but bear with me. Fear of physical threats is rational; when w

The billboard “LOVE” is a huge draw for us. Romantic love is idealized and romanticized from the time we are young. The portrayal of what love is and our hormones combined lead to unrealistic love expectations for many people. It is natural that we all want to find that special someone. The experience of falling in love is very intimate and personal. It starts with physical and emotional attraction, which is based on previous learning and our personalities. Our hopes and dre

The need for “Connection” is one of the signs that draw us into any relationship, whether intimate, work related, friendship, or professional. We become committed and want them to continue if we value them. Trust is a necessary element in order to invest in people. As social beings, we benefit from the complex inter-relationships that most of us have. Having a network of acquaintances, friends, and professionals we can depend on makes us stronger. Part of this reliance invol