The need for “Connection” is one of the signs that draw us into any relationship, whether intimate, work related, friendship, or professional. We become committed and want them to continue if we value them. Trust is a necessary element in order to invest in people. As social beings, we benefit from the complex inter-relationships that most of us have. Having a network of acquaintances, friends, and professionals we can depend on makes us stronger. Part of this reliance invol

“One of her greatest fears is that her partner will change after she leaves and someone else will reap the reward of her effort. She lives between if I can just hang on long enough, he will change and if I leave and he changes, I will miss out.” Joanna V. Hunter This seductive route involves pouring energy into changing others. The attractive posters along this route are “Help Me” and “Compassionate Care.” Wanting to assist others in nonjudgmental ways is a positive quali

It is healthy to receive attention and admiration from others as well as to give it. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, we feel like the other person can do no wrong. However, if this is too extreme, it can be a danger sign. If you’ve ever been put on a pedestal, you know it’s a heady experience. If you feel a little uncomfortable with it, that’s a sign of health because the truth is that none of us are perfect so there is no way we can stay on a pedestal; the fall

Another seductive highway for controlling relationships is fear of being alone. This road is well traveled by many men and women, regardless of whether they have an abusive relationship. Relationship billboards promise “Companionship” and “Love” which is something we are naturally attracted to since we are social animals. Many of us want to have children and continue family traditions so the “Family” advertisement is also alluring. These values are strengths when we pursue t

Another internalized predator stems from the cultural imbalance of valuing masculine over feminine, which creates conscious and unconscious biases in all of us. Sometimes the rejection of feminine stereotypes and hostility toward anything female is so strong that it can only be termed misogyny or hatred of women. It is possible you’ve viewed this in men and been confused by what fuels this, probably taking it personally at least for awhile. “Success” and “Power” are two att

What gets us to accept blame that is inappropriate? For many, it’s not so much agreement with the blame as fear of “Abandonment”. This sign blazes out in neon at any intersection where they might veer off and disagree with the idea they are at fault. Those whose history has included traumatic abandonment are most vulnerable for this. People who have a disability or serious illness are also more susceptible to threats of someone leaving. And, when you’ve been in a controlling

The strengths which attract people to this avenue are “Unselfishness” and “Care for Others”. However, controllers warp these values into serving their own interests and neglecting others’ needs. Since unselfishness is never applied to them and caring is defined by whether it is meeting their desires, going down this road has the certain ending of self-sacrifice. Those stranded along this path often are confused about what is selfish and what isn’t. They often feel a lot of g

“Gentleness of nature is not a virtue but a defect unless it is accompanied by the tenacity of will. Along with the sweetness there must be strength,” - Grandfather Roy Wilson in Medicine WheelBeing. Success necessitates having a healthy amount of pride and belief in ourselves. Some people say we all need some narcissism in order to succeed. They certainly have a point, but I prefer to call it strong self-esteem and an ability to value themselves and what they need. The o

I've selected the word seduction because many times we are not completely aware of what we’re choosing in life. A definition for seduce is: “to persuade somebody to do something by making it seem desirable or exciting”. To this, I would add “or by making it seem inevitable”. Controlling people trap us unawares by identifying what our particular seduction themes are. We can break free from the metaphorical ropes that bind us if we examine our internal beliefs that have been al

This question underscores the reality that there is confusion and ambivalence about women's roles and behavior. Women have often been given feedback that is confusing when they have been assertive at home or in the workplace. Sometimes they doubt themselves rather than understanding the double standard that is operating. Men also suffer from biases about their roles and expectations.Boys don't cry is still an all too common prejudice. Yet, if men can't express their emotions

Relationships without trust are like cars without wheels! They don't go very well! Trust issues often have more to do with ourselves than they do the other person. A sign of maturity is an ability to trust our own instincts about others. If it doesn't feel right, it often isn't. Sometimes we've had experiences in previous relationships that make trust difficult. People who have grown up with parents or others who betrayed their trust often have their "sensors" damaged. The

Any person who is in the middle of controlling relationship can benefit from someone objectively and respectfully talking to them about their options and avenues for safety. The key is objectivity and respect. You have the possibility of being more objective because you are not emotionally involved. You don’t have a stake in the relationship continuing or not continuing. If you find that you do, then it’s time to stop and examine why you have an agenda. Many family members a

Insight comes slowly, like the careful stringing of pearls. A jewel, a knot, another jewel, another knot. It’s an insanely difficult act to make a necklace in the midst of tempest, to sit quietly with trembling fingers, while the well water spills over from the sides of your eyes. But with insight also comes healing, the return of laughter, the possibility of joy. Doris Schwerin, American writer People who are in controlling relationships o