Coping with an Abusive Relationship During the Holidays
- Jennifer Parker
- Jan 13, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Dec 16, 2025
Coping with an abusive relationship during the holidays adds another layer of difficulty. The holiday magic and fun portrayed by the media is often far from your reality.
If living with an abusive partner, you may hope that this holiday will be different. You try to make everything perfect, meeting your partner's expectations, voiced or unvoiced. If your best efforts continue to be dashed by coercive control, you may feel despair.
If you plan to leave the relationship but have decided to get through the holidays first, masking this desire by putting on a happy face with your partner, family, friends, or others takes a lot of energy.
If you left the relationship, loss may dampen the holidays. It is normal to grieve even when you make the decision it is best for you. Grieving is part of healing. Other common emotions are anger, hurt, and frustration. If your ex-partner is still abusing you in emotional or physical ways, despair and hopelessness may be added.
Next are questions for coping with the holidays when you’re feeling anything but cheery. They are set as questions because I don’t want them to feel like something you “should" do. You know what’s best for you.
Can you build in some time for yourself while doing holiday shopping?
It’s impossible to find any peace and calm when you’re constantly in the chaos of coercive control. Consider whether holiday shopping can be an excuse for respite if you're doing it without your partner. Taking even fifteen minutes can give your body and mind peace.
When you do find a few moments, focus on your breath, noticing what it feels like in your body. Then, remember a time that you experienced calm or peace in the past. This will give your body and spirit a break from the stress. Our bodies experience these breaks as reality.
Can you envision the kind of holiday you’d like to be having?
Use this only if you can keep it private. Envision the kind of holiday you want in the future. Paint that picture in your mind, write about it, or draw it, whatever works best for you. It helps you make your thoughts more solid and real, and becomes a step in planning. Many athletes envision what they will do and it contributes to their success. This can also work when making changes or facing new circumstances.
Can you make a list of what you’re grateful for?
This may seem silly given what you’re facing, but gratitude insulates you from stress. It preserves your ability to have a positive mindset, and that is vital to making any type of change.
Look for things to be grateful for every day, whether they are large or small. Appreciating flowers, a stranger's greeting, a puppy, the roof over your head, a child's smile--nothing is too small to make a difference in your mood. Gratitude contributes to resilience and hope.
Can you craft a gift for those you care about?
This is especially nice if you don’t have the resources (or access to them) for buying gifts. Perhaps an ornament or a card made with recycled materials. Or, something you bake or a mix you concoct for baking later. Anything that is creative and allows you to express yourself. Creating lifts your mind away from problems, and giving feels empowering.
Can you take a walk?
Walk in a natural setting if you can; something about nature reconnects us to ourselves. However, walking in a neighborhood is also good. If you can do it alone, you accomplish two things: exercise and time to yourself.
However, doing it with children or another person, as long as it isn't your abusive partner, is also beneficial. Research shows that exercise is a great way to de-stress.
Can you choose an affirmation that inspires you?
Examples:
I am okay just as I am.
I deserve love and respect.
I am enough.
If none of these call to you, make up your own or google others that fit for you.
Affirmations often do not feel true immediately; that’s why you’re doing them. Over time, they affect you positively, just as do negative messages that bring self-esteem down. Repetition is the key. Affirmations can be done by repeating it to yourself, writing them, or asking someone you trust to say them to you.
Can you read inspirational books, articles, blogs, or social media posts?
We all need a village to thrive. If you do not have that village of friends and supporters, reading can be a substitute. domesticshelters.org or the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence are online resources for both information and articles. There are social media groups for victims of abuse as well. Protect your privacy if you're accessing these on a computer or phone.
Links to the above resources are included at the end of this article.
Can you talk to or find a supportive person?
Consider whether you can reconnect to a friend or family member if you've become isolated. Choose someone you think will be empathic and respectful.
If you don't have anyone right now, seek a professional, such as a therapist, advocate from your local abuse agency, or minister. Qualifications are anyone who offers understanding and encouragement.
If you meet with someone who judges or pressures you, even if they are well-intentioned, look elsewhere. Sometimes you have to start with professionals.
Encouragement and Resources for Handling an Abusive Relationship
I hope these questions spark something that you find useful. These suggestions also can be used anytime, not just during the holidays.
You are not alone during this or any other time of year. There are those who want to serve you in whatever ways you need. Suggestions and web links are below, along with a link to my book, Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek.
Best wishes to you in achieving a life filled with love and peace.
Google your local or state domestic abuse agencies
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