Reclaiming Your Voice, One Insight at a Time

In my previous article, Reclaiming Your Voice After Partner Abuse, I focused on the

external barriers survivors often encounter when seeking support—misunderstanding, judgment, fear, and well-intended but unhelpful responses. Part two of this series turns inward to explore the internal barriers abuse creates: fear of escalation, hope for

change, self-doubt, confusion, self-blame, and fear of making the wrong choices.

These barriers are not signs of weakness or indecision; they are predictable outcomes of living with coercion and harm. Understanding them helps reduce shame and creates space for clarity, compassion, and healing to unfold.

Internal Barriers

These barriers often overlap and reinforce one another.

Apprehension Regarding Escalation

It is reasonable to fear what your partner will do if they learn you’re talking about abuse. You know best how your partner would react, shown to you through myriad instances of abuse. As your experience probably shows, silencing yourself by submitting to their will does nothing to prevent further abuse.

Take your fear seriously by choosing people you can trust not to tell your partner. If you’re uncertain, find an intimate partner abuse advocate or therapist. Their help is confidential, and they offer safety planning along with other resources. 

Hoping Your Partner Will Change

You may hesitate to confide in friends or family members because you are afraid it will change their attitudes toward your partner. Remaining silent isolates you, and that isolation contributions to more vulnerability.  

Each person’s situation is unique, and you know whether talking to those close to you is best. If you aren’t ready to disclose the situation to them or distrust what they’ll say, outside resources are an alternative. As mentioned before, they are confidential, and provide encouragement, support, and knowledge.   

Insecurity Regarding Others’ Perceptions

A partner’s criticism, blaming, or lies about what people think of you all contribute to lessening your self-esteem, which then makes it harder to reach out to others. That serves an abusive partner because when you have support, it undermines their control over you.

Embarrassment and fear of what others will think often interferes with reaching out. Remember this: how your partner treats you is a reflection on them, not on you. No one deserves abuse. Those who support you will know this. If you’re blamed, find someone who understands. If that feels impossible, you can find links to resources on my website.    

Doubting Your Perceptions

Abusive partners lie, deny their actions, blame you, and criticize destructively. These are called “gaslighting.” It creates confusion about their behavior as well as your responsibility for it. This can cause you to distrust your perception that your partner is abusive.

Depression and anxiety contribute to doubting yourself. View these conditions as predictable injuries from abuse if they began after partnering. They are not a sign that you’re flawed or can't trust your perceptions. Those who understand abuse can help you discern reality from what your partner wants you to believe.  

Fear of Making the Wrong Choices

Believing you must know what you want or exactly how you will get there before seeking assistance will paralyze you. Figuring that out is what help-seeking is all about.

A common fear is that your partner will change after you leave. Believe the evidence you see, not a wished-for fantasy.

Give yourself the space to contemplate options and make decisions. Use friends, family, professionals, books, or other resources, whatever is most accessible to you.  

Impatience and Self-blame

If you feel regret and blame yourself for being in an abusive relationship, this healthy ability to take responsibility is misguided in this instance. Recognizing how a partner victimizes you feels uncomfortable. Love and investment in the relationship interferes with believing it is abuse or that they won't change. You're not the only way to hang on to hope.  

Do you hold yourself responsible for what you didn’t know in the past? Many partners don’t show their abusive side until you’re deeply committed. The person you were at the start didn’t know they would be abusive.  

Turn your regret into recognition of what you’ve learned and the ways you’re moving forward.  Stop holding yourself accountable for their choices. Those who choose abuse always have other ways they could behave. What you know now will guide you in the future.  

Indecision

It’s not unusual to be indecisive about staying, leaving, or what to do when you’re invested in a relationship. This is also true in non-abusive relationships.

Mixed emotions are normal. You may fluctuate back and forth among emotions like hurt, sadness, anger, love, betrayal, grief, and loss, all of which are legitimate. Do not confuse any of them as signs that you’re making a mistake.

Experiencing and working through your emotions brings healing and energy so you can move forward in your life. It takes time to reach acceptance of present circumstances and decide what to do.  

Encouragement for Reclaiming Your Voice

Give yourself grace and time to explore what you’ve experienced and how your

partner’s harmful behavior affects you. The insights and understanding you gain will guide you as you face decisions. The next installment of Reclaiming Your Voice will focus on this process.  

Always remember abuse is not a reflection on you, but on the person choosing it. They are the only one who can change their behavior.

Your responsibility only lies in healing and reclaiming your voice.

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This post is part of the Reclaiming Your Voice series, a collection of reflections on how abuse affects voice, clarity, and healing. The articles address barriers survivors may encounter, both external and internal, and end with identifying how pacing ensures self-trust and safe decision-making.

You are welcome to read in any order and at your own pace. Subscribe if you would like to receive the next installment.