Reclaiming Your Voice from an Abusive Partner

“Opening our eyes to how intimate partners harm us hurts. . . This may feel excruciating, but it’s also the beginning step to reclaiming yourself.”

This quote from chapter one of Coercive Relationships, describes the hurt that makes it painful to admit a partner is abusive. The journey of reclaiming yourself is not easy, but the way is smoothed for those fortunate to have supportive friends, family, faith leaders, and professionals.

“Reclaiming your voice” refers to recognizing abuse is occurring, reaching out for support, and recovering parts of yourself that abuse injured. For instance, self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness. Partners who use abuse suppress these qualities. It also becomes an act of self-preservation to hide aspects of yourself that reap punishment. This often contributes to feeling that you’ve lost who you are.  

Support Seeking

Seek confidants who demonstrated a capacity for empathy and encouragement in the past. If no one comes to mind, begin to look for others who can be objective and empathic. Suggestions follow at the end of this article.

You know you’re being supported when someone does any of these:

• listens to you,

• confirms you don’t deserve abuse,

• asks what you need,

• offers information and insights without expectations,

• encourages and supports your decision-making.

Ask whoever you confide in to keep your disclosure confidential because partners often punish you if they learn you’re talking about them.   

The following heading identifies barriers that sometimes complicate efforts to reach out for what you need.        

External Barriers to Reclaiming Your Voice

If you encounter difficulties with those you confide in, view them as unfortunate external barriers, not something that reflects on you. Continue to seek those who are trustworthy and able to be objective. The following examples are noted here because of how often they occur.     

Reactive Support

Friends or family may be very supportive and concerned but leap ahead to what they think is a fix, like “you should leave.” Reclaiming your voice involves having the space to understand what you’re experiencing, feel conflicting emotions, and think about options.  

Family and friends mean well but their nervousness or fear may interfere in being patient. In addition, they may not realize that leaving increases risk, so it’s important to have a safety plan with both physical and emotional abuse.

Fear of Loss

Sometimes friends or family feel threatened by your disclosure. If they’ve experienced something similar in their lives, it may be painful for them to be reminded.

Those who have a close relationship with your partner may have trouble being objective because they fear losing that relationship. This may result in telling you to “give them another chance.” Unfortunately, they are blinded to your need for support.

Judgment and Blame

Another painful occurrence happens if you experience judgment and blame from those you tell, such as being asked what you did to deserve their treatment. Whether or not blame is intentional on their part, this is painful and represents another loss.

Societal beliefs contribute to being blamed for harm-doing. First, there is a propensity for humans to disbelieve things they have not experienced. Relatedly, victims are often blamed for harmful events they have no control over instead of holding harm-doers accountable.

Judgment and blame drain your energy and hope. Do not give up; there are people and agencies that do understand.

Discouragement from Faith Communities

Sadly, some spiritual leaders discourage leaving a relationship that is abusive. Being pushed to stay or leave is never helpful. This may occur because your church accepts domination in marriage. However, it may only can indicate a lack of education about abusive relationships.

Experiencing disbelief or blame when you seek help from a faith community is especially painful. Some feel disillusioned with religion in general. If this is so, please know there are many faith communities that do understand and support their members spiritually, as well as offer encouragement and resources.   

Encouragement for Reclaiming Your Voice

If you experience any of these barriers, I assure you of two things:

• Societal beliefs contribute to these barriers.

• There are many people and agencies that do believe and support survivors.

  
  

Often, survivors turn to professionals for an objective viewpoint even when they have supportive friends and family. This is doubly important to do when you don’t have relationships who understand.   

Look for professionals who are knowledgeable about intimate partner abuse and trauma. Domestic abuse programs understand the complex dynamics and emotions involved for survivors. They are dedicated to providing information and empowering you to decide what is best.

If you’re looking for a therapist or attorney, these agencies often know those who are most knowledgeable in your community.  

You deserve support and understanding. It's helpful to have a team of friends, family, advocates, professionals, or faith leaders who are able to offer that. Build it one person at a time as you are able.    

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This post is part of the Reclaiming Your Voice series, a collection of reflections on how abuse affects voice, clarity, and healing. The articles address barriers survivors may encounter, both external and internal, and end with identifying how pacing ensures self-trust and safe decision-making.

You are welcome to read in any order and at your own pace. Subscribe if you would like to receive new articles.