How to Help When Clients Do Not Recognize Abuse

This article provides information for therapists and survivors that explains when

clients do not recognize abuse. It serves as reassurance for survivors that their earlier lack of recognition is common and not something to feel guilty about. Love relationships are the hardest place to identify abuse.     

Victims of abuse often attend therapy for other issues, cloaked in confusion. Clients do not recognize abuse for many different reasons:

• Growing up in an abusive home

• Blaming by an abusive partner

• Being told a partner’s behavior is normal

• Misunderstanding the origins of their symptoms

  
  

They may also feel embarrassed about what’s occurring, like it’s a dark reflection on them, so hide it at first.    

Ask About Safety

During your routine intake process, you may already ask clients if they feel safe at

home. If not, consider doing so. Making it routine during intake helps clients who do not label abuse. It sends the message that you want to hear about it because it affects a person’s quality of life and mental health.  Clients may not feel comfortable saying yes initially, but if abuse is disclosed later, you can do a safety plan then.  

 Begin with Your Client’s Understanding

Respect their understanding when clients do not recognize abuse. When they disclose anything that seems harmful to you, use their words to talk about it and ask them what they think and how they feel about the behavior. They may use words like unjust, inconsiderate,  disrespectful, or unloving.

For instance:

• What do you think your partner wants to achieve with disrespectful words like name-calling?

• Have you ever felt hurt by your partner’s behavior?

  
  

Their responses to such questions tells you how they think, and you will be better prepared to provide insights or feedback.

Offer Non-judgmental Insights and Feedback 

The questions you ask may begin to shift your client’s understanding. Insights and

feedback you offer play an even bigger role in shedding light on the partner's behavior. Be sure to do both non-judgmentally. Show concern for their welfare, without judging their partner. Express empathy for how hard it is to understand why their partner behaves this way.

For instance:

• “I hear that you think your partner acts this way because of their difficult childhood. I want you to know that they are still responsible for their choices. What do you think?” 

• “I can see that you care deeply for your partner. I’m concerned that their behavior isn’t as caring and could even be called abusive. What do you think about that?”

Always check on how your observations feel or whether they seem accurate to them. Doing this will ensure you are not getting ahead of what they are ready for. If they agree, you can offer information about coercive control or how abuse affects everyone.

If they disagree, you can ask why and what they think instead. Nonjudgmental comments lead survivors to examine their thinking and draw their own conclusions.

Consider Whether Symptoms Derive from Abuse

Anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic symptoms are common injuries from abuse. Clients also complain about memory and attention issues that interfere with daily functioning.

If you think their symptoms could be caused or exacerbated by abuse, this could be another way to talk about your unease over their partner’s behavior.

For instance:

• “I think the anxiety and memory problems you’re concerned about could be related to your partner’s behavior. Most people would be feeling those things when treated that way. Is that surprising to you?”

Possible paths forward are talking about coping strategies for their symptoms and clarifying how this changes their thinking. Always take it slow.    

Address Self-blame and Guilt

Survivors often blame themselves or feel guilty talking about their partner. It’s helpful to ask questions that clarify their reasons for self-blame. This shows your openness and reduces defensiveness on their part.

One possible reason lies in believing they are responsible for their partner’s behavior.

For instance:

• Can you tell me why you accept blame for your partner being in trouble at work?

This may uncover how they’ve adopted their partners’ beliefs as an effort to protect themselves and open the door to examining unreasonable blame.  You could also learn self-blame and shame began in childhood.

Another reason could be the person feels guilty about how they behaved in an interaction.  

For instance:

• "Tell me more about how you think you’re to blame. Is there something you wish you had done differently?”

• “It sounds like you’re excusing Shawn from acting that way because you don’t like how you handled it. We can work on that. However, I’m wondering if you would give yourself permission to harm them if they reacted the way you did?”

Both reasons could lead to discussions on how to differentiate between their responsibility and someone else’s.

Normalize Grief and Anger

As survivors begin to name what is happening, they express grief and sadness. Normalize the grief. Also normalize that it takes time to adjust to a change in perspective, so they should not feel they need to make immediate decisions.

If they need to make abrupt changes because they are at high risk, let them know that self-doubt often occurs and you will help them deal with it if it does.   

Anger is healthy when it is expressed assertively. However, many clients feel fear or concern about their anger because they’ve not been allowed to feel it in the past and may associate anger with abuse.

When this is the case, clients benefit from discussion of the difference between emotions and behavior. One can feel anger and choose to express it assertively, passively, or aggressively. Show them ways to express and use their anger assertively to empower themselves. Reassure them that you’ll let them know if they’re crossing over into abuse. When appropriate, add you think they are unlikely to do so and why you think this.

With clients who have trouble managing their emotions, offer emotional management techniques.     

Reinforce insights and strengths

Clients who do not recognize abuse at intake benefit from the power of your recognition. They often don’t see their strengths because they are overwhelmed

dealing with the abuse. Indicate that what they’ve tried to stop abuse was a strength, even when it was not successful. For instance, their willingness to look at what they contribute is considered a strength in couples therapy. Let them know abusive partners take advantage of that strength.

Other examples:

·         Asking partners to change

·         Looking to family for support

·         Reading book

·         Coming for therapy

·         Calling the police

·         Leaving

Download Recognizing and Building Resilience for use by both therapists and survivors.

Journey to Healing, a curriculum of therapy materials. provides a wealth of handouts for working with survivors.