Parental Alienation

Relaxing with a novel at the end of my day, the cover of Her Daughter by Fran

Hawthorne indicated themes of parenthood, love, estrangement, and reconciliation. Yes, it is about those, but to my surprise, the story’s context is parental alienation.  

Parental alienation by a parent occurs when that parent tells a child falsehoods about the other parent or manipulates facts to reflect badly upon them. This often results in damaging the child-parent relationship, mistrust and disobedience by the child, and in extreme cases, refusal to have contact with that parent. Like other forms of coercive control, parental alienation is often difficult to prove.

This is different from alienation children experience because of a parent’s harmful behavior toward them or their other parent.

I’m glad Her Daughter sheds light on a form of coercive control that is often misunderstood in our broader culture. When I contacted Hawthorne to thank her and ask about why she wrote it, she said her research led her "to want to reach the people who think 'it's just me' and who feel embarrassed, so they don't talk about it."

This article unpacks what parental alienation looks like and provides useful suggestions for therapy with survivors, as well as book and online resources for further guidance.

Camouflaged Harm

Coercive control behaviors such as parental alienation are often camouflaged in the beginning, so the signs are easily missed by survivors initially. The alienating parent’s behavior in Her Daughter at first seems harmless, but an undermining pattern emerges over time.  

Suggesting alternatives to a partner’s plans or volunteering to re-structure a vacation are not things that raise a red flag. Giving in or trying out a partner’s ideas are healthy qualities in relationships, when it’s mutual. Mutual is the key word here.

Her Daughter demonstrates how a pattern of domination begins without survivors seeing it. Over time, the pattern results in shaping the survivor’s beliefs and behavior. “Well, they must know best.” “It’s not worth a fight.” “Maybe I’m wrong.”  “It’s easier to give in.” “Let’s keep the peace.”

By the time children come, the pattern of domination and submission is well-established. Alienation may initially begin with the controller disagreeing with the other parent’s decision. Hawthorne’s character Alice says, “It couldn’t hurt to . . . ” consider another option.

But it does.

They miss the early clues because they resemble healthy norms. They give partners the benefit of the doubt, usually a strength in relationships, but one their partners manipulate and misuse. 

This is not the stage in which most survivors come to therapy. It doesn’t set off alarms for friends and family either, when they witness or hear about their behavior. 

Recognizing the Harm and Seeking Help

Clients who experience parental alienation may present with that issue, or they may come because of coercive control or the mental health consequences of it. Turning children against them is one of many avenues used to marginalize and control survivors.

Those who face the twin issues of a partner’s coercive control and their children’s loss of trust in them usually feel confusion, anger, and grief. Coercive control often harms survivors’ self-trust so that they swing between concern and self-doubt. When Hawthorne’s character, Alice, reflects back on Dan’s reaction to taking the relationship slower, she then recognizes it was an early sign of trouble. Giving in was the beginning of doubting herself and losing her agency in the relationship.

Survivors disclose incidents such as children being told by the coercive partner that they don’t have to obey them or that spending time with friends means the parent cares more for them than their children. During separation, alienating parents may portray child support as evidence that the other parent cares only about money or is taking funds that could have been spent on the children’s wants.

The controller’s criticism and twisting of facts undermines the survivor’s parental authority and harms the children’s relationship with them. Experts agree that witnessing harm against a parent is a form of child abuse. In addition, what the children witness also models unequal power and that it’s dangerous to disagree with the more powerful parent.

It scares survivors when they see their children pulling away or not trusting them. It’s at this stage that survivors sometimes react in ways that undermine their own credibility.  These reactions come from a place of fear, trauma, and the immediate pressure of coercive control, and are predictable consequences. Healing from trauma includes helping them choose responses that best serve their and their children’s interests.

For instance, they may hide things to retain some agency, such as buying the children something the coercive parent unreasonably prohibited. Or, they sometimes try to convince the children their parent is lying. This gives the offending parent ammunition; they often cite such actions as dishonesty or efforts to alienate the children from them.   

Therapeutic Responses to Parental Alienation

My decades of practice taught me that parental alienation is one of the most painful methods of coercive control. The following are suggestions for working with some common issues survivors face.   

• Survivors often reflect and feel shame about early signs they missed. It’s important to differentiate with them what they are and are not responsible for. When partners changed their behavior from loving to controlling, guide them in placing responsibility where it belongs. If they identify signs they ignored, ask them where they learned to do that and talk about how to change that behavior.

  
  

• If they doubt their perceptions, focus on whether what’s happening feels fair or if they would treat another person that way.

  
  

• Identify that those who use coercive control have a set of values that permits domination. Encourage them to take that into consideration instead of assuming their partner will act out of fairness. What seems apparent to a therapist is often difficult for them to believe because of the intimacy and love they experienced in the past.

  
  

• Acknowledging the partner’s behavior brings grief. Empathize and give space for that. They may not have others who are receptive to their grieving. Reassure them this is a healthy stage when they’ve lost someone dear to them.

• ·Document instances of coercion and alienation you hear and provide that information to other professionals with client permission. This is especially helpful when your client comes for therapy before separation and family court professionals doubt their motivation for reporting abuse during the evaluation.

• Encourage documentation of alienating or coercive behavior but not so much that it takes over their lives. Their fear makes it difficult for survivors to find a healthy balance.

  
  

• Be alert to survivor efforts to avoid conflict by giving in to the abuser even after separation. Their fear may lead them to live under the controller’s power instead of focusing on how they want to live.

  
  

• When there is divorce, the family court system may not have the resources to assess and understand what is happening. Abusers camouflage their behavior with professionals just as they did with survivors. Trauma may cause the victim to react and look more like the problem than the offending parent. It’s important to work with survivors on self-regulation as well as effective ways to respond to the abuser’s behavior. You’ll find books and resources that are helpful with this below.

  
  

• Work on healthy boundaries and how to set them with difficult people. Offer assertive and empowering ways to respond instead of reacting emotionally to their partner or ex-partner’s behavior. This is challenging when setting boundaries increased emotional harm in the past. Guide them in replacing counter-productive boundaries, such as calling the children abusive or calling their other parent names. If ex-partners continue to harass them with power and control tactics after divorce, this is called post-separation abuse. See resources below for more information.

  
  

• Reinforce that children’s behavior is different from a coercively controlling parent’s in intention and motivation. They are not coercive; they may be mimicking the other parent or carrying out their wishes. Loyalty conflicts and fear of the coercive partner also can contribute. It’s hard for an adult to stand up to coercive people and next to impossible for a child.      

The best objective for those experiencing parental alienation tactics is being the healthy parent the children can depend upon. That involves being able to listen to children’s concerns or accusations, respond without taking their anger out on them, acknowledge disagreements with the other parent without putting them down, and setting healthy boundaries regarding what they will talk about with the children.

For instance if a child says going out with friends means the parent doesn't care about them:

“Thank you for sharing this with me. I care about your feelings and love you very much. I think it’s important for you to have time with your friends, and I realize that doesn't mean you do not care about me. Adults also need time with their friends. Nothing will ever interfere with my love for you.”  

It’s important both to encourage clients in using empowered responses and to acknowledge how hard it is when frustrated or triggered. Being the steady anchor for our clients helps them to be that for their children.  

Resources for Further Learning

It’s Not High Conflict, It’s Post-Separation Abuse, Kaytlyn Gillis. Lisa Nicole Publishing, 2023. This book isn’t specifically about parent alienation, but it has great material for understanding how to respond to coercive control.

Bill Eddy’s High Conflict Institute https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/ for professionals. Though coercive control is not the same as “high conflict,” much of what this website has to offer is helpful for both therapists and survivors.

Family Access: Fighting for Children’s Rights website has Parental Alienation resources and experts that deliver TV programming and webinars: https://www.familyaccessfightingforchildrensrights.com/ 

Her Daughter, Fran Hawthorne. (Texas: Black Rose Writing, 2026)