Why Does My Partner Dominate Me?

Understanding the Beliefs Behind Abuse

Understanding someone's behavior begins with understanding what they believe.— Inspired by Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

You begin to answer why your partner dominates you when you recognize what they believe. Realizing that your partner thinks

it is acceptable to harm, control, or dominate you contradicts everything most of us expect from a loving relationship. Give yourself permission to grieve this.

This is the final article in a series related to support for abuse survivors. Previous articles in this series were When Survivors Face Unsupportive Reactions from Family and Friends and A Survivor Guide to Seeking Support from Professionals. This article explores why partners believe it is okay to harm you and the cultural assumptions that support those beliefs.

The Personal Answer to Why

After listening for years to survivors, I compiled a list of beliefs that survivors said clarified why their partners dominated them. Sometimes their abusive partners actually said one or more of these beliefs. Even when they did not, their behavior spoke for them.

When words and behavior conflict, give greater weight to behavior.

Do any of these resonate with how you've been treated by your partner?

• I'm entitled—my needs and wants come first.

• My way is the right way.

• I love you, so you must behave, think, and feel the way I want. If you don't submit to what I want, you don't love me.

• You make me hurt you.

• Someone must be in control; if it's not me, then it's you, and that is unacceptable.

• I will do whatever it takes to be in control.

• Expressing empathy or compassion means giving in.

  
  

Those who feel safe confronting their partners sometimes experience change for a short time but then find abusive behavior slips back. That shows they haven't truly changed what they believe.

There is a reason why your partner resists change. They do not want to give up power as they understand it. Meaningful change requires abandoning beliefs of entitlement and control. This is why lasting change is most often associated with specialized abuser treatment programs.

Let's look at the cultural beliefs that encourage their understanding of power.

The Cultural Answer to Why

One abuser treatment specialist's simple answer to why people abuse partners is: "because they can." Survivors often express confusion and frustration as to why they think they can.

While the above beliefs explain abuse at a personal level, they do not emerge in a vacuum. They are reinforced by larger cultural assumptions about power.

I found answers in Riane Eisler's books. In The Chalice and the Blade,[i] Eisler examines societal organizational history. She named two contrasting belief structures present throughout history: domination systems and partnership systems. In ancient history, partnership systems governed but were gradually overtaken by domination systems.

Eisler recognized that partnership and domination systems define power very differently. Her subsequent books critiqued how power is used in societal institutions such as our educational, economic, and family systems.[ii] 

Domination systems have influenced much of human history. At the same time, partnership values, such as religious principles and democratic values, have always existed alongside them.

Your answer to why your partner harms you, as well as why there is rape, racism, and other forms of oppression, flows from how domination systems define and use power.

Domination Systems

Domination systems rank people's worth, using hierarchies as tools of domination. Eisler refers to these as dominator hierarchies. They divide people into two groups:

• Those viewed as entitled to power

• Those expected to submit to power

Domination systems value competition, obedience, and submission. When people challenge their expectations, punishment, exclusion, or oppression often follows.

Domination systems' basic assumptions are:

1. Power is finite and must be protected.

2. Power comes from power over others.

3. Differences are threatening.

4. Some people have greater worth than others.

The first two assumptions define power. The third becomes a tool for justifying power over others by portraying a person or group as inferior, dangerous, or undeserving. Ultimately, they lead to the belief that some people have greater worth than others and are therefore entitled to dominate them.

Differences are used to separate rather than unite people. Examples in different contexts:

• Workplaces that value leaders over workers with sharp differences in pay

• Political institutions in which leaders label opponents as evil or undeserving

• Families where a parent or children are neglected or abused

Partnership Systems

Partnership systems also utilize hierarchies, but leaders use their authority to serve, guide, and support others. Eisler calls them growth hierarchies.

Partnership systems' basic assumptions are:

1. Power is infinite; every person has power.

2. Power can be shared.

3. Diversity of viewpoints contributes to better solutions.

4. All people have inherent worth.

The first two assumptions define power as inherent within everyone and value "power with" structures. The third assumption views differences with curiosity and as a driver for finding the common good. The fourth assumption—that everyone has inherent worth—is a result of the previous three and circles back to support them.

Growth hierarchies use power to promote mutual success. Values emphasize care, inclusion, cooperation, and respect. Differences are respected and the common good is sought.

Partnership examples in different institutions:

• Workplaces where leaders value employee input and well-being

• Political institutions that respect differences, negotiate solutions, and seek common ground

• Families where each member is valued, respected, and encouraged

Bringing It All Together

All societal institutions—family, economic, political, religious, or professional—can be influenced by either domination or partnership assumptions.

There is a historical tension in our society between domination and partnership beliefs that explains many conflicts and polarization.

Power isn't the problem. How power is defined and used is.

What Domination and Partnership Beliefs Mean for You

When you shame yourself for not knowing sooner, not leaving sooner, or not finding the "right" words to change your partner, you are viewing yourself through a domination lens rather than a partnership lens.

The belief that you should have known, should have left sooner, or should have said or done something that would have changed your partner fits within what a dominating partner wants you to believe.

I leave you with these two truths:

• Abuse is not a reflection of your worth. It is a choice by your partner based on what they believe.

• Changes in your partner's behavior only occur when they change their perceptions and beliefs about power and how they are entitled to act.

Understanding why your partner harms you does not erase the pain, but it can free you from carrying responsibility for choices that were never yours to own.

When you follow a partnership path, you give yourself compassion for what happened

and do not blame yourself for not knowing how your partner would harm you.

Knowing what you know now, you can choose how much your beliefs align with domination or partnership. Whether you continue putting yourself down and not valuing yourself, or begin taking back your power and believing in your worth.

In Coercive Relationships, I wrote that many of us do not understand intimate partner abuse until it touches our lives. How could we be expected to see what we were never taught to recognize?

Domination beliefs are often invisible because they surround us. They become part of the air we breathe. But once we see them, we have choices.

We can reject beliefs that diminish our worth and embrace beliefs that support dignity, equality, and self-respect.

We can choose partnership over domination. And that choice begins by recognizing that your partner's abuse was never a reflection of your value—it was a reflection of what they believed they were entitled to do.

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This series focused on the kinds of support survivors receive, beginning with friends and family and continuing with professional helpers. You'll find more information regarding empowerment against coercive control in Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek.

[i] The Chalice and the Blade: Our History, Our Future by Riane Eisler (Harper/San Francisco, 1987)

[ii] A complete compilation of Eisler’s books can be found here: https://rianeeisler.com/bookshelf/, a few of which are The Power of Partnership, The Real Wealth of Nations: Creating a Caring Economics, Tomorrow’s Children, and Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future.