When Survivors Face Unsupportive Reactions from Family and Friends

What Survivors Need and Therapists Should Understand

When you begin to talk about abuse in your relationship, family and friends are often

the first people you seek support from. Sometimes, that is where your confusion deepens.

Recently, a survivor I will name Jasmine made a comment that captures how difficult it can be to communicate what you experience.

“Often, fear of the backlash is why people stay in abusive relationships or remain quiet. . . That’s a difficult place to navigate, especially when you’ve been suppressed by controlling and aggressive behavior.”

If this echoes your experience, you are not alone. And you do not deserve abuse or backlash reactions.

If you receive concern and support when you reach out, that is what you deserve.

What are helpful responses to hearing your story? Listening. Asking what you need

from them. That can be as simple as listening.

And questioning, “Why does this person think it’s okay to harm you?” This is a question many survivors ask, and too many listeners do not.

This article focuses on backlash reactions many survivors experience. It identifies possible reasons—not to excuse them, but to clarify your confusion and help you not take them personally. Suggestions for supporting yourself if you encounter backlash are included at the end.

Insights into Unsupportive Reactions

Backlash reactions are painful, especially when you’ve worked up the courage to confide in those close to you. Instead of being met with someone who listens, believes, and offers support, you may experience the opposite.

Understanding common reasons these reactions occur does not justify them or make them easier to experience. But it can increase your ability to resist taking them personally.

Each reaction includes examples, possible reasons, and common effects on survivors.

Disbelief

Examples

• “I don’t believe they would do that.”

• “You must be exaggerating.”

Reasons

• People often have difficulty believing what they have not personally experienced.

• Family and friends may believe lies that an abusive partner has carefully planted.

• Believing you may require them to face abuse in their own lives or past, which can be difficult.

Effects

The impact of disbelief can be profound. You may begin to question yourself: “Is this abuse?” “Am I making too big a deal out of this?” “Am I crazy?”

If you have confidence in your perceptions, their disbelief may lead to feeling angry or hopeless. And the appropriate question: “Why don’t they believe me?”

Lack of Knowledge

Examples

• “Have you tried talking to them and telling them how you feel?”

• “Maybe they are under too much stress.”

Reasons

• Many people lack understanding of how abuse works, especially when it is not physical.

• There is a widespread assumption that love relationships include mutual respect and care.

• Education about abuse and its effects is largely absent from schools, communities, and media.

Effects

These suggestions may feel similar to disbelief, but they are often well-meaning. They indicate ignorance about intimate partner abuse and what you experience. You may still feel misunderstood and isolated.

If someone's reaction comes from surprise but they show a willingness to listen and learn, they may still become a source of support. Trust your gut on this one. 

However, if there is no openness, seek someone who can listen and learn.

Justification, Minimization, and Blame

Examples

• “Some conflict in relationships is to be expected.”

• “What did you do? You must have played a part in this.”

• “You don’t seem like a victim.”

• “Get over it.”

Reasons

• Some people justify harmful behavior to avoid facing uncomfortable truths about their relationships.

• Minimization can come from discomfort with acknowledging someone they know may be abusive.

• Emotional abuse is often not recognized as serious despite research documenting lasting effects.

• People may believe false narratives presented by your partner.

Effects

These unsupportive reactions can feel especially painful. They may leave you feeling dismissed, blamed, or as though your reality is being questioned.

The effect on you can feel similar to the confusion created by your partner's manipulation or gaslighting.

Socialization

Examples

• “We’re all in control of what happens to us.”

• “A man is the head of the family.”

• “It’s the woman’s role to make sure her partner is satisfied.”

• “Boys will be boys.”

Reasons

• Social norms often shape how people interpret relationships and behavior.

• Many of these beliefs minimize harm and fail to hold those who abuse accountable.

• Cultural messages about roles, power, and responsibility are learned over time and often go unquestioned.

Effects

These beliefs can lead you to question your own perceptions, try harder to please your partner, or wonder whether you are responsible for their behavior.

Socialization influences all of us. Healing often involves recognizing what you were taught to believe that does not support your well-being moving forward.

Actions to Take

Backlash reactions make reaching out to others difficult. The following actions are ways you can empower yourself and reduce its harmful effects.

• Find supportive listeners. If your first attempt is met with an unhelpful response,

  continue seeking support.

• Remind yourself backlash reactions are not about you. They reflect the other person’s beliefs, experiences, and limitations—not your worth or reality.

• Use affirmations that reinforce your value.

  • “I am worthy of respect and love.”

  • “I am enough.”

  • “I can get through this.”

  • “Respecting what I need is not selfish.”

• Seek support for emotional injuries. Therapists, domestic abuse advocates, books, blogs, and other resources can help you heal from the effects of abuse.

• Make decisions that prioritize your safety and well-being. Whether that involves leaving, setting boundaries, or exploring other options, what matters is that your choices fit your situation. Organizations and support groups for survivors are good resources.

My firm wish is for no survivor to experience backlash in any form.

However, when they happen, use of any of these actions supports your recovery from abuse and enhances your resilience against backlash.

Looking Ahead

The next article in this series will focus on backlash from institutions you may seek help from, such as the legal system or family court.

A third article will explore the broader cultural assumptions that contribute to both personal and institutional responses.

You are welcome to read these articles in any order and at your own pace.

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