Reclaiming Your Voice: How Healing Unfolds

The first article in my Reclaiming Your Voice series focused on external

barriers survivors encounter when they reach out for help. The second examined how abuse creates internal barriers that interfere with healing.  

This third article focuses on what to expect with therapy to avoid common pitfalls, such as thinking you aren't doing therapy "right." Understanding how healing unfolds helps set appropriate expectations.  

Healing Ups and Downs

Everyone’s healing journey is dependent upon their circumstances. To name a few:

• Length abuse occurred

• History of prior abuse

• Accountability of the harm-doer

• Issues with children

• Financial issues

Everyone’s situation is different, and this means your therapy will be adjusted for you.   

Therapy always has ups, downs, and detours. Don’t worry if you have trouble with anything meant to be therapeutic. I can almost guarantee you will encounter some difficulty that seems to block using what your therapist suggests.

For instance, suppose one of your goals is to improve self-esteem that was damaged by abuse. When your therapist suggests affirmations and you choose “I am worthy of respect,” you become discouraged because it feels like a lie. Further discussion uncovers that as a child, you felt like you could never be good enough no matter what you did. This may seem off-topic, but it's important for your healing.   

Having trouble with therapeutic work does not mean you can’t do it. First, therapists often can offer suggestions that fit your circumstance better. Second, remember it took time to get where you are; expect healing to be doable but not quick.     

Another issue that makes the path uneven is unexpected problems, often from an abusive partner’s behavior. You may think you’re not making any progress when an abuser throws obstacles in your way. Certainly, this is painful and frustrating.

However, their behavior is a signal that they fear they’re losing control of you, so it is actually a sign you are changing. Seek support from a therapist or others to map out the best ways to respond to their challenging behavior.  

Feeling Mixed Emotions

Mixed emotions are common when you begin recognizing abuse. You may vacillate between anger, which drives wanting to leave, and love, which counsels you to stay. Confidence may bolster you one moment and self-doubt flood you the next. Grief may weigh you down because it’s brutal to be betrayed and harmed. Many say they feel like they’ve lost themselves.  

All emotions are normal. They are signals directing your attention to important issues. Experiencing them does not mean something is wrong with you.

A few examples:  

• If you’re grieving, that means you need time to go through the stages of grief in order to readjust. Being harmed represents a tremendous loss.

• If you feel angry, that means you value yourself. Find safe ways to express it. Avoid expressing it to your partner.

• If you feel guilty for feeling anger, you may be mistaking the emotion of anger with the behavior of aggression. Anger energizes you and can be expressed in constructive ways.

• If you still feel love for your partner, that signals you’re a healthy human being for whom love does not just disappear. One can love someone and still hold them accountable for their abuse.  

• If you feel depressed, this is a stage of grieving and it requires care and time. If depression occurred before abuse, your therapist can assess the best therapy for you.   

• If you feel strong emotions that you want to deny or suppress because they feel overwhelming, that signals how harmed you were. You can benefit from learning emotional regulation techniques in therapy.  

• If you experience difficulty with anger, anxiety, panic attacks, dissociation, or become compliant when anything triggers memories of abuse, these are trauma symptoms of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Trauma therapy provides remedies.

When you have a safe place to acknowledge your emotions, you often feel as if a burden is lifted. Therapists can listen and guide you when needed.

What Progress in Reclaiming Your Voice Looks Like

The first marker of progress is the decision to seek help. That takes courage, so congratulate yourself if you’ve already done that.

Other markers include increasing supportive contacts and integrating therapeutic knowledge at your own pace.   

Supportive Relationships

Progress looks like reaching out and connecting. We know that abusers use isolation to maintain control of their partners. Research now indicates that having supportive relationships provides insulation from trauma,[i] and therefore increasing them is important for trauma healing.  

You may be isolated because your abuser forbade contacts with friends and family. Isolation may also result from pulling back from others because you were embarrassed for them to know about your partner’s aggression. Or it might be a combination of both of these.

Whatever the reasons for isolation, try to find safe ways to connect with others. Choose people you expect will support and not judge you. Try this affirmation to overcome reluctance:

Abuse does not reflect who you are; it reflects the beliefs and choices of the person who uses it.

No one deserves abuse.

Repeating these sentences gradually builds your belief and releases responsibility you may have internalized for your partner’s abuse.

Your team of people can consist of friends, family, advocates, spiritual leaders, or professionals. Sometimes the first person survivors develop a trusting, supportive relationship with is a therapist. The therapeutic work you do will help you add others to your team.

Pacing and Integration

Progress looks like integrating the knowledge and skills you gain from therapy and elsewhere at your own pace so that they become a part of you.

It’s important for you to proceed step by step without pressure, taking all the time you need. Healing is not measured by time. It is measured by accomplishing what you want to accomplish, at your own pace.

In Owning Your Story: Healing Beyond Their Control, I named these elements that promote healing:

• Distinguishing abusive behavior patterns and releasing responsibility for how you were treated

• Recognizing other forms of abuse of power you may have experienced

• Learning about emotions and seeing them as signals for attention

• Identifying and changing thoughts that do not serve you

• Addressing injuries to your self-esteem and rebuilding trust in yourself

• Repairing your ability to set boundaries

• Communicating with strength and respect

These elements work together. They improve your sense of agency: your ability to think, feel and make decisions according to what you believe is best. They will also benefit you in forming healthy relationships in the future.  

The time, practice, and patience you devote to reclaiming your voice will help you emerge feeling stronger, more confident, and with tools to navigate future challenges.

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This post is part of the Reclaiming Your Voice series, a collection of reflections on how abuse affects voice, clarity, and healing. Next month, I’m excited to welcome a survivor who will share her story of reclaiming her voice.

The articles address barriers survivors may encounter, both external and internal, and ends with identifying how pacing ensures self-trust and safe decision-making. You are welcome to read in any order and at your own pace. Subscribe if you would like to receive the next installment.

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[i] This abstract has many studies relating to the importance of relationships for healing. Bessel Vander Kolk quote from Modlin, H., Freeman, J, Gaitens, C. & Garfat, T. (2021). Relational Child and Youth Care in Action. Capetown, SA: CYC-Net Press (pp. 4-16).) https://togetherthevoice.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Handout-Relational-Healing-Chapter.pdf