A Survivor Guide to Seeking Support

Survivors of partner abuse often benefit from seeking professional assistance. However, they often hesitate because they hope their partners will change or due to their partner's not to talk.

This article identifies two categories of service providers, explains their roles, and encourages discerning whether they have knowledge about abusive partners. It ends with a preview of the final article in this series.   

It builds on When Survivors Face Unsupportive Reactions from Family and Friends, which focused on the reality that survivors do not always receive understanding and support from them.

Service Providers

The first category are professional helpers you seek, such as advocates, therapists, medical professionals, and divorce coaches. The second are institutions you may become involved with voluntarily or involuntarily, such as law enforcement, criminal and family court professionals, and social services.

Professional Helpers

Advocates

Advocates from domestic abuse agencies exist to support survivors in self-protection and decision-making. They receive extensive training regarding intimate partner abuse. They support your goals and provide safety planning when they see risks. Often, their services include shelter, legal advocacy, support groups, and community education and prevention. A few also offer therapy.

Advocates provide case management and guidance regarding community resources, such as housing, jobs, and financial assistance. They are often an excellent source for referrals to therapists and attorneys who are knowledgeable about abuse.

Therapists

Survivors often seek therapy because depression, anxiety, or other trauma symptoms interfere with the ability to respond to abuse and make decisions. They also seek a therapist when they are uncertain if it’s abuse, are confused about their partner’s behavior, or wonder if they’re doing something that causes it.

Therapists evaluate your needs, support in setting goals, and guide in healing. They may also offer insights into how to respond to abusive behavior and how to navigate other systems.

When choosing a therapist, look for someone trained in intimate partner abuse or, lacking that specificity, in trauma. You have the right to ask questions regarding their training and experience. A brief phone conversation about your issues often gives you a feel for whether they are a good match for you.

Medical Professionals

Medical professionals provide healing for physical injuries. In addition, they can refer to resources in the community.   

Training regarding intimate partner abuse recognition and referral varies by locality. Many doctor and nurse medical programs include information about abuse and how to screen and make referrals. They are encouraged to offer information about domestic abuse agencies and related resources to everyone, especially if they suspect abuse, regardless of whether you choose to disclose it.

Trust your gut about whether your provider will be supportive. Pay attention to their behavior. Screening for abuse or excluding your partner in confidential discussions are two signs they could be a trustworthy support.

Divorce Coaches

Divorcing an abuser is often a confusing and chaotic process. Though therapists offer support, divorce coaches are experts in how the process works. They know how to navigate steps that are often confusing to survivors and can guide you in making the best decisions for you. Some survivors profit from having a therapist and a divorce coach.

Ask a prospective coach what their experience is with coercive control. Some coaches specialize in this.   

Institutions

Law Enforcement System

Survivors call the police because they feel unsafe and want abuse to stop. They may or may not want the abuser to be arrested or removed. Neighbors who hear abuse sometimes also call.

Law enforcement’s job is to discern if laws have been violated and to protect anyone that is victimized. They are most helpful when they are trained to recognize victims from abusers.

Law enforcement should separate the victim from the abuser in order to gain a complete picture of what happened, which makes it safer for you to talk to them. Many jurisdictions make arrests when they detect abuse, regardless of whether victims want the arrest. This protects survivors from having to lodge complaints. Ideally, law enforcement gives referrals to local domestic abuse agencies.

Sometimes an abuser calls law enforcement, claiming they are being abused. This makes it harder for law enforcement to discern who the perpetrator is. Abusers often appear more credible, since victims understandably are emotionally upset and traumatized.

Domestic abuse advocacy agencies, medical professionals, and therapists can provide supportive documentation about your abuse with your permission.     

Criminal and Family Court Systems 

Criminal court professionals become involved when someone is arrested. Many times, there is a victim service department that supports and guides victims through the process.

Attorneys, judges, and family court system staff are professionals who facilitate ending relationships. They also make decisions about custody and visitation when there are disagreements.

When seeking an attorney, ask for referrals from domestic abuse agencies. They are familiar with those who have worked for victims effectively. Many attorneys give free consultations; this gives you an opportunity to gauge their experience with abusive relationships and how they handle issues abusers often present. My interview with an attorney offers Information about Divorce.

You want an attorney who recognizes abusive dynamics and the emotional injuries of abuse. However, do not expect an attorney to be your emotional support. This avoids disappointment or added expense. You deserve emotional support; advocates, therapists, and/or divorce coaches are better equipped to provide that.  

Social Services

Social service organizations become involved when a survivor or professional reports child abuse, alcohol/drug problems, mental instability, or some other issue affecting the welfare of children. In addition, sometimes abusive partners force you into a social service investigation because they lie about your treatment of the children.  

Contact social services when an abusive partner harms the children physically. You may also contact regarding emotional abuse, such an abusive partner telling your children lies about you or attempting to make them choose between you. However, though emotional abuse and manipulation are extremely damaging, it is also more difficult to prove.

Knowledge about intimate partner abuse, or the lack of it, affects social service investigations. A history of seeking support from other systems, such as advocates, therapists, and police adds important information to their investigation.    

What Determines Your Experience

Many survivors have positive experiences when seeking help from professional helpers and institutional systems. However, others do not.

There are two things that contribute to your experience:

• The expertise your providers possess regarding intimate partner abuse and its effects on victims.

• The degree to which providers are influenced by domination system beliefs about power, control, and victim responsibility.

The second bullet will be the subject of my next article in this series. But here is a preview.

Statistics indicate that intimate partner abuse occurs among all classes, professions, races, and genders. This means that inevitably, some professionals accept domination in relationships or may be blind to abuse. The widespread perception that blames victims for their own abuse also influences some responses.

I  emphasize finding those most qualified to assist you because it profoundly affects your help-seeking experience.  

Encouragement

You deserve to be supported in protecting yourself and healing. When you seek assistance, you are the consumer, so you have the right to ask questions and ask for what you need. I state this because often being abused leaves survivors with doubts about their rights and worthiness.  

If you’re frustrated, angry, or confused about a professional’s reaction or assessment, do not give up. Seek another with training about partner abuse.

Turn to those who understand you and what you’ve experienced for encouragement. If you’ve been isolated from supporters, your first choice may need to be an advocate or therapist. As mentioned earlier, professionals also provide important documentation about abuse should you need it.

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For a deeper understanding of coercive control and common survivor experiences, you’ll find Coercive Relationships: Find the Answers You Seek provides clarity about coercive control and common issues survivors face.

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