Grief As Part of Healing

Grief is always a normal and important part of healing for intimate partner abuse survivors. This blog examines grief and provides helpful perspectives.  

It is important to acknowledge losses and the emotions associated with them. Losses such as:

• time,

• opportunities,

• ex-partner’s family members,

• love,

• ideals of togetherness,

• children

• And most importantly, changes in how survivors view themselves.

The grief stage of healing is often delayed because survivors are in the midst of so much abuse turmoil. They do not have the energy or time to focus on it. That may cause conscious grief to be delayed and then, they may worry about what that means.

Friends or family sometimes dismiss grief, especially the sadness stage. They may say things like, “Why do you feel sad about losing someone who hurt you?”

All harm results in losses. Processing the emotions surrounding loss—confusion, disbelief, anger, sadness—facilitates moving on. Repressing grief does not make it go away. It can actually prolong it.  

Grief Due to Betrayal

I recently listened to a betrayal trauma talk by LaDonna Carey. She indicated this term is relevant for any type of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from an intimate partner. According to Carey,

“Betrayal trauma comes from our trust being violated in a significant way by someone we depend on for survival or someone we are significantly attached to.”

Intimate partner abuse represents an intense betrayal. A betrayal of your love and trust. We expect partners to be loving, to care about what’s important to us, to show empathy, and to protect us.

When partners instead coerce and abuse, it is natural to feel betrayed. Survivors also may lost trust in themselves, thinking “I should have known better.” Loss of self-trust becomes part of the identity crisis they confront.

Carey said the five stages of grief with betrayal trauma differ somewhat from the familiar stages of grief. They are:

• Shock (overwhelmed),

• Denial (struggle to make sense of it),

• Anger (feeling the injustice of it),

• Grief (loss of life as they have known it and loss of self-trust)

• Healing (a process).

  
  

Carey has agreed to be a guest blogger in July to give more information about betrayal trauma.

Who Am I Now?

Identity changes have been mentioned twice, so let’s give this more attention.  

Any type of trauma or crisis affects how we see ourselves and our lives.  Trauma literature documents that core beliefs often change. Examples:

• The world is not a safe place.

• I can trust my partner and friends.

• I can trust myself.

The article We are Not What Happened to Us cautions against mistaking experiencing abuse as your identify. That often happens when survivors believe what partners say about their worth. Healing includes rebuilding self-trust and recognizing their true identify, not who partners said they were.

We become captains of our lives when we reach acceptance of what happened and learn to manage how it affected us. Acceptance means we name it, not that we like or ignore it. The grief process frees us to transition to a new, better chapter of life.    

Grief as a Transition SuperPower

I find it helpful to think of grief as a process that transitions us from one life chapter to another. Life contains many chapters: youth, launching into adulthood, marriage, divorce, childbearing, retirement.

Bruce Feiler’s describes three phases of transition. There is the “long goodbye” that mourns the old you or situation, “the messy middle,” where you shed the old and create new patterns, and “the new beginning,” in which you gradually acclimate to your new life. We move among these phases, and Feiler says we spend more time in the one we’re best at, which he calls “our transition superpower.” 

All phases carry their own pain and awkwardness. The often-cited stages of grieving (denial, bargaining, depression, anger) are certainly part of the “long goodbye.” These phases take as long as we need, so do not compare with other people.

Circumstances affect grief. The bittersweet grief that comes from a natural loss like transitioning into adulthood or retirement differs significantly from the loss of a loved one or abuse-caused losses.

Ambiguous Loss Grief

Ambiguous loss literature says not all losses have closure. This means the stages of grieving do not apply as well. Sarah B. Woods, Ph.D. and Pauline Boss identify the loss of someone gradually because of dementia and recent pandemic losses as examples.  

I think grief because of partner abuse is another type of ambiguous loss. When still in the relationship, naturally there is no closure, yet there is loss.

When relationships end, often that is the time grief is experienced. There isn't time or mental space to do it in the midst of abuse.

If abuse continues after a relationship ends, this prolongs grief since abuse hasn't stopped. It often seems abuse will never end. Having support from understanding friends and professionals provides an important life line.

Healing

If you are a therapist, giving information about what is normal to experience as well as strategies for healing helps survivors manage overwhelmed feelings. Nervous system dysregulation is common with trauma, so you may need to help them with that.

If you are a survivor, it often helps to have someone walk with you on your healing journey. It usually feels like a lonely road, so, if possible, give yourself a companion who is objective, non-judgmental, empathic, and knowledgeable. This could be through online chat groups as well as in person. Therapists and friends can help you hold space for the healing that you may have trouble believing is possible.

Trauma affects us in multiple ways: physically, emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, and spiritually. My book Coercive Relationships provides more detailed information about these injuries and guidance for healing.   

Support, patience, and time ensure that grief transforms and opens you to the new chapter you desire.  

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LaDonna Carey: https://www.ladonnacarey.com/

Bruce Feiler, “Feeling Stuck: Five Tips for managing Life Transitions” (New York Times, July 16, 2020). Also published Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age (New York: Penguin Books, 2020)

Sarah B. Woods, “COVID-19 and Ambiguous Loss” (Psychology Today, May 8, 2020)

Pauline Boss, The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change (W. W. Norton & Company, December, 2021)