Relationships | Find Your Voice

“One of her greatest fears is that her partner will change after she leaves and someone else will reap the reward of her effort. She lives between if I can just hang on long enough, he will change and if I leave and he changes, I will miss out.” Joanna V. Hunter This seductive route involves pouring energy into changing others. The attractive posters along this route are “Help Me” and “Compassionate Care.” Wanting to assist others in nonjudgmental ways is a positive quali

It is healthy to receive attention and admiration from others as well as to give it. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, we feel like the other person can do no wrong. However, if this is too extreme, it can be a danger sign. If you’ve ever been put on a pedestal, you know it’s a heady experience. If you feel a little uncomfortable with it, that’s a sign of health because the truth is that none of us are perfect so there is no way we can stay on a pedestal; the fall

Another seductive highway for controlling relationships is fear of being alone. This road is well traveled by many men and women, regardless of whether they have an abusive relationship. Relationship billboards promise “Companionship” and “Love” which is something we are naturally attracted to since we are social animals. Many of us want to have children and continue family traditions so the “Family” advertisement is also alluring. These values are strengths when we pursue t

Another internalized predator stems from the cultural imbalance of valuing masculine over feminine, which creates conscious and unconscious biases in all of us. Sometimes the rejection of feminine stereotypes and hostility toward anything female is so strong that it can only be termed misogyny or hatred of women. It is possible you’ve viewed this in men and been confused by what fuels this, probably taking it personally at least for awhile. “Success” and “Power” are two att

Many people wonder about how they slipped into a controlling relationship without realizing it until too late. Others say that they saw the “red flags” but didn’t heed them. In addition to asking themselves “why does he act this way?” they sometimes feel badly about themselves because they “allowed” it. I remind them that they didn't give their permission. Let’s look at the personal roads we often take without realizing the consequences. Remember, it has nothing to do with

I've selected the word seduction because many times we are not completely aware of what we’re choosing in life. A definition for seduce is: “to persuade somebody to do something by making it seem desirable or exciting”. To this, I would add “or by making it seem inevitable”. Controlling people trap us unawares by identifying what our particular seduction themes are. We can break free from the metaphorical ropes that bind us if we examine our internal beliefs that have been al

This question underscores the reality that there is confusion and ambivalence about women's roles and behavior. Women have often been given feedback that is confusing when they have been assertive at home or in the workplace. Sometimes they doubt themselves rather than understanding the double standard that is operating. Men also suffer from biases about their roles and expectations.Boys don't cry is still an all too common prejudice. Yet, if men can't express their emotions

Knowing who you are has three crucial elements in healthy relationships. First, it’s important to know ourselves and what we want in life. Ideally, we enter relationships knowing what is important to us. However, life is a growth process and we keep evolving as long as we’re living. Second, it’s important to know your partner. Knowing what makes the other one tick goes a long way toward building understanding and tolerance for one another. If we assume that our partners op

It takes time to heal when there has been a betrayal. Sometimes betrayals are so hurtful that the relationship never recovers. Other times, the emotional investment is such that people want to work to grow together rather than apart. There is no “one size fits all” prescription here; we all have to decide which path is best for us. Important guidelines for those who are interested in healing from betrayal: In order for there to be meaningful change, first there has to be acc

Humor and light heartedness grease the wheels of relationships and make them turn more smoothly. I see having a sense of humor as one of the most useful attitudes to have. All attitudes provide a lens though which we view what happens in the world. When we have an active sense of humor, we have protection from taking things too seriously. We are more in touch with our common humanity and are able to have compassion for others more easily. Good comedians are successful becaus

Love should not be unconditional! Perhaps you see this statement as heresy. Let me clarify: we should not condition our love for others on whether they please us or do everything we want them to do. However, there are certain bottom line expectations that have to be met in order for relationships to be healthy for us. For instance, one condition is that your loved one treats you respectfully and does not hurt you physically or emotionally. Breaking this condition is grounds

Honesty is an extremely important quality, and it gets expressed in different ways. First, there is telling the truth about our actions and preferences. When Sam says he is committed to a monogamous relationship, Tammy wants to know he is being truthful and intentional about that. When Sara says she is working late, Joe wants to have confidence that she is doing just that. We certainly can’t trust if we experience a person lying to us. Another aspect of honesty is telling th

Relationships without trust are like cars without wheels! They don't go very well! Trust issues often have more to do with ourselves than they do the other person. A sign of maturity is an ability to trust our own instincts about others. If it doesn't feel right, it often isn't. Sometimes we've had experiences in previous relationships that make trust difficult. People who have grown up with parents or others who betrayed their trust often have their "sensors" damaged. The

Showing you care for your loved one and appreciate what they do is vital! This may seem self evident but the lack of this is one of the first signs of an ailing relationship. For those who want to keep their relationship alive and growing, make sure you cultivate the ability to communicate your care. This builds what John Gottman calls an "emotional bank account". Strong relationships have healthy balances! For those who come to me for couples therapy, one thing I have them

Having to be right is a tremendous liability in relationship building. It is a sure fire way to block any ability to negotiate and compromise. It is normal and human to think your way is best and why doesn't the rest of the world see it? :) We each have our own unique lens that we see the world through. However, we benefit when we can be flexible and value how others see things as well. Many times when people are rigid in having to be right, it is rooted in how punished th

Importance of Acceptance and tolerance These qualities go hand in hand in building a strong relationship. We are all attracted to people who have qualities we like. In the initial stages of a relationship, it may seem as if the loved one can do no wrong. As the relationship matures, the next stage involves seeing how we're different and those things that we don't like. This is where the real growing begins! Since we aren't clones, we have to expect that we won't always agre

In healthy relationships, there is a balance of power. Each is open to respectful influence by the other. They each care about what is important to the other. One or the other might slip occasionally into inconsiderate behavior but responsibility is taken if this happens. Having healthy relationships doesn’t mean there is never conflict. Conflict is normal. No two people will always agree; in fact our differences are often what attract us to others. Managing disagreements c

Sometimes people are confused about what assertive behavior is. At times, the term aggressive is used interchangeably with assertive. I use the following definitions: Assertive behavior is any behavior in which you stand up for your self – through expressing feelings, thoughts, opinions, or actions – while also respecting the rights and feelings of others. Passive or non-assertive behavior is any behavior in which you do not stand up for your self, and do not reveal your fee

A healthy relationship has two people who are committed to each other’s best interests. They communicate in words and actions respect and interest in one another. Signs of trouble are: Breaking promises, Refusing to commit to a person, project, idea, or date Putting off the next level of a relationship indefinitely Forgetting meetings or dates (routinely, not occasionally) Not listening to you or not recalling important information you’ve told them When people do this a lot