That is the question - isn't it? Too often we don't bring our attention to the perspectives and attitudes we bring to our interactions. I once heard the idea that focusing on To Be lists is just as important as To Do lists. I think this is phenomenally important. Many of us are great at putting together To Do lists for ourselves. Sometimes we're overly ambitious and create more than we can possibly accomplish in a day. On the other hand, we don't tend to focus on how we want

"Follow Your Bliss." Joseph Campbell I've always loved this quote from the first time I heard it. That happened during a Bill Moyers documentary on Campbell. Speaking of whom, there is another great man! Often I talk with people who are struggling with the decision of what career path to choose. Sometimes they have trouble narrowing it down because they are interested in so many things. However, another source of confusion is hearing from others that they need to be aware

When you dim your presence, people can't find you - because you're not truly being yourself!All of us have a light within us that is unique and special. We each have something to contribute that no one else on the planet could do in the same way. When we don't shine our light by doing that which is in our hearts, such as: reaching out and touching someone with our words, pursuing what makes us happy, writing that letter, article, or book, working on a campaign, calling a frie

Have you ever noticed that when you are most stressed or challenged, you tend to spin in circles? This can happen in the form of racing thoughts, going round and round with worries, resentments, or regrets. It can also literally happen that we go round and round physically, from one task to another. When this happens, it's a clue that we need to slow down and ground ourselves. However, we often feel like this is the opposite of what we need to do. We drive ourselves to do mo

How fear plays into our internal predators is complicated. Looking at the seductive aspect of fear is not meant to deny the reality of violence and threat that pervades too many relationships. It is important to pay attention to fear; it helps us keep ourselves safe. Please pay attention and protect yourself whenever you are threatened. It may not be immediately clear why I include fear among the seductive paths, but bear with me. Fear of physical threats is rational; when w

The billboard “LOVE” is a huge draw for us. Romantic love is idealized and romanticized from the time we are young. The portrayal of what love is and our hormones combined lead to unrealistic love expectations for many people. It is natural that we all want to find that special someone. The experience of falling in love is very intimate and personal. It starts with physical and emotional attraction, which is based on previous learning and our personalities. Our hopes and dre

The need for “Connection” is one of the signs that draw us into any relationship, whether intimate, work related, friendship, or professional. We become committed and want them to continue if we value them. Trust is a necessary element in order to invest in people. As social beings, we benefit from the complex inter-relationships that most of us have. Having a network of acquaintances, friends, and professionals we can depend on makes us stronger. Part of this reliance invol

Another seductive highway for controlling relationships is fear of being alone. This road is well traveled by many men and women, regardless of whether they have an abusive relationship. Relationship billboards promise “Companionship” and “Love” which is something we are naturally attracted to since we are social animals. Many of us want to have children and continue family traditions so the “Family” advertisement is also alluring. These values are strengths when we pursue t

I'm no longer a daughter. Losing one's mother is one of life's big transitions. As she taught me in life, she has also taught me through her death. Being patient: with myself and my grieving process. with all the numerous details to be dealt with when someone leaves this world. with all the complications that arise from insurance and other financial affairs. with letting go of the usual activities. This part of the life's spiral is teaching me to value what I have, rather tha

Have you ever thought about whether aggression is innate? This morning I watched the hummingbirds around my feeders and was fascinated by their behavior! Because I knew they were very territorial, I had decided to put a second feeder in so that more birds could share in the wealth. One female hummingbird totally dominated both feeders. She chased away all other hummingbirds as soon as they appeared. Ms. Hummer flew back and forth, much as soldiers might march back and fort

I recently became a grandma for the first time! Spending time with my daughter and new grandchild has been wonderful. It has slowed down my writing, but the rewards are worth it. This experience has led me to contemplate afresh what happens when we start anything new. No matter how much we want something, it is never possible to completely plan it or anticipate how it will change our lives. Reality always has a slightly different face than we imagined! Whether it's being a

In an ideal world, all of our experiences growing up would be positive. Our family members would unfailingly give affirming messages about ourselves, ones that told us we were worthy of love. This kind of treatment would get internalized as positive beliefs and thoughts, such as “I’m a good person” or “I’m love-able”. Unfortunately, our environments aren't always ideal! Even the best may at times provide input that is negative or punitive, rather than positively disciplini

We bond with whatever we experience in our childhood, whether that is positive or negative. Receiving support and encouragement as a child increases self-esteem and confidence. Receiving criticism and negativity reduces those same characteristics. The messages you heard as a child influenced the ways you saw yourself and the world in general. What are the messages you received about: your intelligence? your ability to solve problems your education? handling money? marriage?

Assertiveness is not a personality trait but rather a learned set of behaviors. Assertive behavior expresses what we think and feel in ways that are respectful to others. If we have not grown up with assertive models to learn from, we may not know how to be assertive or even feel we have that right. Some people believe that being assertive is being rude or un-feminine. No one is assertive 100% of the time. Knowing our thoughts and feelings is a process, and sometimes it

It takes time to heal when there has been a betrayal. Sometimes betrayals are so hurtful that the relationship never recovers. Other times, the emotional investment is such that people want to work to grow together rather than apart. There is no “one size fits all” prescription here; we all have to decide which path is best for us. Important guidelines for those who are interested in healing from betrayal: In order for there to be meaningful change, first there has to be acc

Showing you care for your loved one and appreciate what they do is vital! This may seem self evident but the lack of this is one of the first signs of an ailing relationship. For those who want to keep their relationship alive and growing, make sure you cultivate the ability to communicate your care. This builds what John Gottman calls an "emotional bank account". Strong relationships have healthy balances! For those who come to me for couples therapy, one thing I have them

Having to be right is a tremendous liability in relationship building. It is a sure fire way to block any ability to negotiate and compromise. It is normal and human to think your way is best and why doesn't the rest of the world see it? :) We each have our own unique lens that we see the world through. However, we benefit when we can be flexible and value how others see things as well. Many times when people are rigid in having to be right, it is rooted in how punished th

Importance of Acceptance and tolerance These qualities go hand in hand in building a strong relationship. We are all attracted to people who have qualities we like. In the initial stages of a relationship, it may seem as if the loved one can do no wrong. As the relationship matures, the next stage involves seeing how we're different and those things that we don't like. This is where the real growing begins! Since we aren't clones, we have to expect that we won't always agre

In healthy relationships, there is a balance of power. Each is open to respectful influence by the other. They each care about what is important to the other. One or the other might slip occasionally into inconsiderate behavior but responsibility is taken if this happens. Having healthy relationships doesn’t mean there is never conflict. Conflict is normal. No two people will always agree; in fact our differences are often what attract us to others. Managing disagreements c

I have enjoyed my new hobby of feeding birds and watching them closely. One early summer day, I was surprised to see one bird seemed to have trouble landing on a perch. He would flutter around in mid air and eventually come to rest somewhere other than the bird feeder. I had just read about ways you can tell fledgling birds from the mature birds, so I deduced that I was witnessing a young bird getting his flying skills polished. Fledglings don’t look smaller than the adult