Humor and light heartedness grease the wheels of relationships and make them turn more smoothly. I see having a sense of humor as one of the most useful attitudes to have. All attitudes provide a lens though which we view what happens in the world. When we have an active sense of humor, we have protection from taking things too seriously. We are more in touch with our common humanity and are able to have compassion for others more easily. Good comedians are successful becaus

Love should not be unconditional! Perhaps you see this statement as heresy. Let me clarify: we should not condition our love for others on whether they please us or do everything we want them to do. However, there are certain bottom line expectations that have to be met in order for relationships to be healthy for us. For instance, one condition is that your loved one treats you respectfully and does not hurt you physically or emotionally. Breaking this condition is grounds

Honesty is an extremely important quality, and it gets expressed in different ways. First, there is telling the truth about our actions and preferences. When Sam says he is committed to a monogamous relationship, Tammy wants to know he is being truthful and intentional about that. When Sara says she is working late, Joe wants to have confidence that she is doing just that. We certainly can’t trust if we experience a person lying to us. Another aspect of honesty is telling the

Relationships without trust are like cars without wheels! They don't go very well! Trust issues often have more to do with ourselves than they do the other person. A sign of maturity is an ability to trust our own instincts about others. If it doesn't feel right, it often isn't. Sometimes we've had experiences in previous relationships that make trust difficult. People who have grown up with parents or others who betrayed their trust often have their "sensors" damaged. The

Showing you care for your loved one and appreciate what they do is vital! This may seem self evident but the lack of this is one of the first signs of an ailing relationship. For those who want to keep their relationship alive and growing, make sure you cultivate the ability to communicate your care. This builds what John Gottman calls an "emotional bank account". Strong relationships have healthy balances! For those who come to me for couples therapy, one thing I have them

Having to be right is a tremendous liability in relationship building. It is a sure fire way to block any ability to negotiate and compromise. It is normal and human to think your way is best and why doesn't the rest of the world see it? :) We each have our own unique lens that we see the world through. However, we benefit when we can be flexible and value how others see things as well. Many times when people are rigid in having to be right, it is rooted in how punished th

Importance of Acceptance and tolerance These qualities go hand in hand in building a strong relationship. We are all attracted to people who have qualities we like. In the initial stages of a relationship, it may seem as if the loved one can do no wrong. As the relationship matures, the next stage involves seeing how we're different and those things that we don't like. This is where the real growing begins! Since we aren't clones, we have to expect that we won't always agre

In healthy relationships, there is a balance of power. Each is open to respectful influence by the other. They each care about what is important to the other. One or the other might slip occasionally into inconsiderate behavior but responsibility is taken if this happens. Having healthy relationships doesn’t mean there is never conflict. Conflict is normal. No two people will always agree; in fact our differences are often what attract us to others. Managing disagreements c

I have enjoyed my new hobby of feeding birds and watching them closely. One early summer day, I was surprised to see one bird seemed to have trouble landing on a perch. He would flutter around in mid air and eventually come to rest somewhere other than the bird feeder. I had just read about ways you can tell fledgling birds from the mature birds, so I deduced that I was witnessing a young bird getting his flying skills polished. Fledglings don’t look smaller than the adult

When you experience fear, anger, hurt, or any other unpleasant emotion intensely, notice any inclination to bury, devalue, or resist it. When we do any of these, we lose an opportunity to learn from what we're feeling. It also frequently means that we stay stuck in these emotions. The saying "what we resist persists" is true! At times emotions can seem so strong that they feel as if they will overwhelm your ability to cope with them. Remember that emotions are not good or