Many people wonder about how they slipped into a controlling relationship without realizing it until too late. Others say that they saw the “red flags” but didn’t heed them. In addition to asking themselves “why does he act this way?” they sometimes feel badly about themselves because they “allowed” it. I remind them that they didn't give their permission. Let’s look at the personal roads we often take without realizing the consequences. Remember, it has nothing to do with

I've selected the word seduction because many times we are not completely aware of what we’re choosing in life. A definition for seduce is: “to persuade somebody to do something by making it seem desirable or exciting”. To this, I would add “or by making it seem inevitable”. Controlling people trap us unawares by identifying what our particular seduction themes are. We can break free from the metaphorical ropes that bind us if we examine our internal beliefs that have been al

I'm no longer a daughter. Losing one's mother is one of life's big transitions. As she taught me in life, she has also taught me through her death. Being patient: with myself and my grieving process. with all the numerous details to be dealt with when someone leaves this world. with all the complications that arise from insurance and other financial affairs. with letting go of the usual activities. This part of the life's spiral is teaching me to value what I have, rather tha

This question underscores the reality that there is confusion and ambivalence about women's roles and behavior. Women have often been given feedback that is confusing when they have been assertive at home or in the workplace. Sometimes they doubt themselves rather than understanding the double standard that is operating. Men also suffer from biases about their roles and expectations.Boys don't cry is still an all too common prejudice. Yet, if men can't express their emotions

Have you ever thought about whether aggression is innate? This morning I watched the hummingbirds around my feeders and was fascinated by their behavior! Because I knew they were very territorial, I had decided to put a second feeder in so that more birds could share in the wealth. One female hummingbird totally dominated both feeders. She chased away all other hummingbirds as soon as they appeared. Ms. Hummer flew back and forth, much as soldiers might march back and fort

I recently became a grandma for the first time! Spending time with my daughter and new grandchild has been wonderful. It has slowed down my writing, but the rewards are worth it. This experience has led me to contemplate afresh what happens when we start anything new. No matter how much we want something, it is never possible to completely plan it or anticipate how it will change our lives. Reality always has a slightly different face than we imagined! Whether it's being a

Learning from experience (hindsight), self-awareness and honest perception (insight), and intentions informed by prior knowledge (foresight) are some of the most important assets we possess. Ideally, we use our hindsight to inform our present day insights and help us to have good foresight as we’re making choices for the future. Wow, that is a mouthful! Let’s examine each of these “sights” and how they serve us. Hindsight comes from reflection about past decisions or experi

In an ideal world, all of our experiences growing up would be positive. Our family members would unfailingly give affirming messages about ourselves, ones that told us we were worthy of love. This kind of treatment would get internalized as positive beliefs and thoughts, such as “I’m a good person” or “I’m love-able”. Unfortunately, our environments aren't always ideal! Even the best may at times provide input that is negative or punitive, rather than positively disciplinin

We bond with whatever we experience in our childhood, whether that is positive or negative. Receiving support and encouragement as a child increases self-esteem and confidence. Receiving criticism and negativity reduces those same characteristics. The messages you heard as a child influenced the ways you saw yourself and the world in general. What are the messages you received about: your intelligence? your ability to solve problems your education? handling money? marriage?

Assertiveness is not a personality trait but rather a learned set of behaviors. Assertive behavior expresses what we think and feel in ways that are respectful to others. If we have not grown up with assertive models to learn from, we may not know how to be assertive or even feel we have that right. Some people believe that being assertive is being rude or un-feminine. No one is assertive 100% of the time. Knowing our thoughts and feelings is a process, and sometimes it