It’s Not Against the Law If you have experienced coercive control, you know the devastating effects. Those who feel entitled to use it strip away our freedom of expression, limiting what we can do and say. It damages our sense of self-worth. It increases self-doubt. We often say we feel crazy because of the intense gaslighting and distortions that occur. Coercive control violates civil rights, but all the forms it takes are not a crime. Many people feel frustrated when the ab

This post is about shifting our attitudes regarding the need to take a stand on domineering, coercive behavior. Beyond the justified anger and grief is a space for pride in the fact that we never give up on empowering ourselves.

We can all do our part by supporting protests of these injustices. That can take the shape of a march, but longer term work happens by joining organizations that work against intimate partner and racial injustice.

We often want to retaliate and give people a dose of what they’ve given us, but this does not maintain our power.

Intimate partner violence victims’ safety has always been linked to how communities work together to reduce IPV. Unfortunately, our society’s response to IPV often enables violence.

Being under a Safe at Home order is an oxymoron when it comes to IPV, since home is where you’re in danger.

A member of the Women’s Voices group posed this question. Her family and friends either criticized what she was doing or went into fix-it mode whenever she confided in them. All she needed was to be listened to, empathized with, and encouraged. We had a discussion in group, and I promised to write a blog on the subject as well.

I counsel everyone who is embarking on something new to expect feeling fearful. It usually feels like jumping off a cliff. All the insecurities we have (and we all have them) jump out to convince us we can’t make it.

If we’re thinking of leaving the relationship, we often want to get through the holidays and put off any decisions we’re contemplating, especially when we have children. That means maintaining our mask—putting on a pretend face with family, friends, or others. I believe those who suffer from intimate abuse are the best ones to know the timing that is right for them. The last thing you need is second guessing from others who are concerned for you.

Consent is much discussed today, a very good thing. Learning that everyone has the right to determine sexual contact is healthier for everyone. However, intimate partner violence (IPV), sexual abuse, and sexual assault are too often misconstrued as consensual when they aren’t. Those who have been victimized often have their actions misinterpreted to their detriment. The presence of coercion is an important factor in evaluating if there is true consent. “Coercive control is

At the foundation of violence against women are three basic building blocks: women have lesser value, women are property and the objectification of women.

June is LGBTQ Pride Month. The growing acceptance of all sexual preferences and acknowledgement that gender is not binary is something to celebrate. My vision is that our culture will become one where no one fears to be themselves. Being closeted and hidden makes us more vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. When intimate partner violence (IPV) first became widely recognized, the focus was on female victims with male partners. While the majority of violent heterosexual relat

When you’ve been harmed by an intimate partner, you want them to be accountable for their behavior. You may spend a lot of time asking for this. It’s hard to believe that a loved one can risk the relationship rather than take responsibility for what they’ve done and seek to make changes. When they say through words or actions that they aren’t going to change, it’s important to believe them and decide what to do given that. You may be confused about who is responsible and ass

My last post, Domestic Terrorism, recognized the similarity between prisoner of war brainwashing and intimate partner psychological abuse. We usually think of domestic terrorists as perpetrating gun or other violent crimes against people they may or may not know. A definition of terrorism is “violence or intimidation inflicted on civilians to achieve political goals.” These goals may be to silence people or ideas. This goal is very like that of abusers who limit the freedom

If you’ve had an intimate partner hurt you emotionally, physically, or sexually, you may not have thought of it as terrorism. But I bet you’ve felt terror. Sociologist Albert D. Biderman constructed the Chart of Coercion decades ago to describe tactics designed to break the will of captured pilots. Advocates working with intimate partner violence have used this 8-factor chart to describe how the abuse affects victims. Below is CWA’s adaptation of his Chart in the first three

I'm back! It's been a long time since I've blogged because I took time off to complete a book on controlling relationships. My tentative title (since editors often change them) is "Controlling Relationships: the Elephant in Our Society." I'll let you know when it's published. I chose this title because control is often invisible to those who don't experience it. It's like the elephant in the room that no one sees. This leaves its victims trapped in an emotional mire of: cra

Controlling behavior is the systematic domination and oppression by one person in a way that makes it clear that another person(s) is not safe physically and/or emotionally. Control tactics are the tools by which controllers dominate and oppress. Characteristics of control tactics: They are used to get the person's way by any means it takes. Their intention is to change others’ behavior, feelings, or opinions. The behavior is disrespectful to the needs, opinions, and feeli

There are two kinds of fear. One is the realistic fear that we experience when we're in danger. This is rational and self-preservative and a very good thing. The second is fear that is not based on any present danger so some call it irrational fear. However, it often makes sense given our histories. It may come from our experiences in the past which we're projecting onto the future. It may come from messages we've gotten that we're incompetent or weak. It may come from an u

How fear plays into our internal predators is complicated. Looking at the seductive aspect of fear is not meant to deny the reality of violence and threat that pervades too many relationships. It is important to pay attention to fear; it helps us keep ourselves safe. Please pay attention and protect yourself whenever you are threatened. It may not be immediately clear why I include fear among the seductive paths, but bear with me. Fear of physical threats is rational; when w

The billboard “LOVE” is a huge draw for us. Romantic love is idealized and romanticized from the time we are young. The portrayal of what love is and our hormones combined lead to unrealistic love expectations for many people. It is natural that we all want to find that special someone. The experience of falling in love is very intimate and personal. It starts with physical and emotional attraction, which is based on previous learning and our personalities. Our hopes and dre