Domestic abuse is more than a personal problem - it's a societal problem. Any abusive relationship has intensely personal effects, and our first response should be to help victims address these: First, their safety needs - making a safety plan that is tailored for them Domestic abuse programs specialize in this; some therapists and medical professionals can also assist or direct to resources. Meeting them where they are by finding out what would help them now Common mistakes

Abuse is often invisible to outsiders; those who are aggressive may look like upstanding community members outside the family. Confiding what is happening may be met with disbelief. Family may also feel they need to protect the people they love. Abuse may also be invisible or unnamed within the family. Children may grow up accepting the treatment as "normal." Naming this elephant in families involves examining healthy parenting as well as abusive practices. Healthy parenti

I'm back! It's been a long time since I've blogged because I took time off to complete a book on controlling relationships. My tentative title (since editors often change them) is "Controlling Relationships: the Elephant in Our Society." I'll let you know when it's published. I chose this title because control is often invisible to those who don't experience it. It's like the elephant in the room that no one sees. This leaves its victims trapped in an emotional mire of: cra

"A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday." Alexander Pope What a wonderful way to acknowledge a mistake without getting stuck in shame. Shame is fueled by beliefs that we should be perfect and that mistakes are a sign of weakness.These perceptions neglect to understand that the power of humans comes from having brains which learn from trial and error. An article I've o

Poise is a state of balance. We can see this physically when we view poised people moving with grace and agility. If thrown off balance, they are quickly able to regain it because of their practiced skill. Let's take that term apart. Often we give more recognition for skill, as if people possess something intrinsic that makes them successful in physical endeavors. However, every athlete would attest to the truth that skill is not enough - that "practice makes perfect." Emo

I've been spending a lot of time with my 13 month old grandson lately. What a joy! Being with children can be a good way to slow you down and take a look at what is important in your life. My grandson is just beginning to talk but seems to be constantly asking "what is this?" or exclaiming "how wonderful!" I know I'm attributing words to him, but I swear that he is doing something of this sort. He points and says "bah" to everything, which I think is his all purpose way of i

Is she a bitch or a leader? Is he a wuss or a sensitive man? Both these questions help us become more aware of underlying biases and stereotypes. Healthy functioning allows for flexibility in men’s and women’s roles and behaviors. Both genders should be able to choose what best suits them. Our socialization about what is appropriate for each gender can consciously or unconsciously affect confidence and mobility in careers. When women and men are put down for what would be c

Controlling behavior is the systematic domination and oppression by one person in a way that makes it clear that another person(s) is not safe physically and/or emotionally. Control tactics are the tools by which controllers dominate and oppress. Characteristics of control tactics: They are used to get the person's way by any means it takes. Their intention is to change others’ behavior, feelings, or opinions. The behavior is disrespectful to the needs, opinions, and feeli

It is often an irony that we fear what we also want. We may want success in some particular way, but we are terrified of achieving it and may undermine it. Success brings recognition and that is often very uncomfortable for us. Being visible may have represented danger in the past if we've experienced any type of abusive relationship at home or work. We may have learned to hide ourselves so as not to elicit criticism or abuse. If we haven't fully healed this, it will block o

There are two kinds of fear. One is the realistic fear that we experience when we're in danger. This is rational and self-preservative and a very good thing. The second is fear that is not based on any present danger so some call it irrational fear. However, it often makes sense given our histories. It may come from our experiences in the past which we're projecting onto the future. It may come from messages we've gotten that we're incompetent or weak. It may come from an u